KEROSENE // Tom Kaulitz

pǝɹnʇdɐɔǝᴚ

(Written from Renée's point of view.)

The last few days were a blur. I'd been captured again by Tom, who was definitely much more rough handed than before if that was even possible. His tactics of making me 'obey' him consisted often of isolating me while I was awake, so I'd be left by myself at all times, refusing to feed me properly during the day, I'd only occasionally get fed once a day and in very small portions, I wouldn't be allowed any clothes at all. Nothing. I had to be completely naked, which I began to get embarrassed. He installed a mirror into the wall that couldn't be shattered, and I'd sometimes be forced to look at my reflection for hours on end. This morning was another one of those days — he'd woken me up as per usual, only given me 2 slices of bread. Not enough to nutrient my body. I felt like a dog; I'd be so excited for that tiny amount of food he'd give me. I was getting so hungry.

Lately, I noticed that gradually I'd stop eating entirely. I would frequently get headaches, and he'd only give me a shot glass worth of water per day. This morning, he didn't come in with any food, but he did come with some water. I watched him walk over to me; and when he approached, he grabbed my chin and lifted my head up.
"Open." He said. I obeyed and opened my mouth where he tipped the water inside. I swallowed and tried to savour it as much as possible. I sighed and lowered my head back down. For days I would scream on end, to the point my vocal cords gave up on me, and I'd lose my voice. It was so painful to speak, and nothing would come out. This was the most brutal he'd been to me since he kidnapped me. I regretted everything. To add to it, he also started cutting down how much sleep I would get to 3 hours maximum per night. By then I'd started losing track of time, and life itself.

After he'd given me my water, he sat me in front of the mirror in that horrible chair of his. There, I'd have to look at the absolute state of my frail, useless body. I'd gotten thinner since I'd been kidnapped. I felt less healthy, my hair would get dryer and my skin was additionally paler. It hurt to look at my face, which used to be symbolic of confidence and beauty, now only displaying unease and exhaust. I was beat, and I had to accept it. I couldn't win against him unless I wanted things to get worse. I didn't have a clock or a watch, so I had no idea how long he left me here on my own, but it felt like hours until he came in again. I didn't know what for, since he never did this. I watched him approach and zip tie my legs by my thighs and put them as tight as he could. After he did so, he sat on the bed in my room and waited for another painfully long time.

I felt the circulation being cut off from my legs, and I realised why Tom wanted to use these on me. It was so that he could stop my blood circulation and maybe I wouldn't be able to run away from him or resist him. Either way, I was too weak to resist. I didn't want to resist in fear of what would happen to me. After a long while, he unstrapped me from my chair and picked me up, placing me on his lap so I was facing him while he sat on the bed. His arms snaked around my waist and he leaned into my ear. "I know what you did with my brother. He told me. But I'll prove to him that I can win you over another way." My heart ached as he reminded me of Bill. I felt stupid and cheated. I suppose I should've got to know him more first, but I was irresponsible, and I had to pay the price. I looked sadly at him as he kissed just below my ear. I don't know how long it would take him to have sex with me, but it didn't feel like he would just yet. I laid my head down on his shoulder as his head was by my neck, breathing hot against it. I was useless, wasn't I? I should've done something.

"You're so pretty. It's a shame you can't look how you did before because of your behaviour. But you're still gorgeous to me now, if not to anyone else." Tom said with a cheeky smile that I only just got a glimpse of. He then shoved me down against the bed and started kissing me again, pinning me beneath his body. He forced his tongue inside my mouth while he abused my lips with his own, grabbing at the 'curves' on my body in a hungry and desperate way. He straddled my waist; shutting off any hope of getting away from his strong grip. His tongue delved deeper inside my mouth, almost reaching to my throat with the sheer depth of the kiss he was insisting I gave him, aware of how I couldn't resist him. Suddenly though, his hands yanked themselves off my body and he pulled away from my lips, leaving me panting and struggling to catch my breath. I blinked slowly and looked at him. He stood up and got off the bed, leaving me there. He turned away from me and began to quickly walk away from me, heading for the door to leave. I didn't know what was up with him, and why he suddenly stopped. He didn't say a word to me as he did it. I was just left to wonder. He had every advantage over me, so why wasn't he doing what he so clearly dreamed of? I couldn't stop him; no one could except himself. As he left, all I wondered was... why did he stop?