As I was still pondering over what to do and considering all the what-ifs, I eventually thought back of the first time I had confessed to him. I had put quite a lot of effort and energy into it, because not only was it my first time confessing to someone but that someone was also an artist. I strongly believed that creativity would be the key to his heart, but being more on the scientific side of things I didn't really consider myself as creative. Hyuk on the other hand was the opposite of that so I had tried really hard to come up with something original.
It seemed like a great idea at the time, but looking back on it now, it was probably the dumbest thing ever -and Hyuk made sure to let me know. I had written him a cute love letter, if I can say so myself, with an equation that if worked out would reveal my confession to him. I was incredibly proud of it and thought he would be very impressed at how smart it was, but I was only getting ahead of myself. I had managed to pass it onto Hyuk through a friend of his.
He'd been reluctant at first when I asked him for the favour, telling me to reconsider our differences, but at the time I didn't understand he was talking about the differences in social status and wealth. I thought it was about the difference in our personalities, but it didn't faze me since I was a firm believer of opposite attracts.
I went home with a lot of hopes that day and although I hadn't expected Hyuk to return my feelings, I sure wasn't expecting him to reject me in such a harsh way where I found copies of my love letter hung up all over the university walls with degrading comments. The only advantage I had at the time was that people didn't really know me because I was that invisible, but it still didn't make a difference in how it broke my heart and made me feel humiliated and little.
I had put a lot of effort into it because I hadn't been that good at it yet, so I had literally spent night after night trying to translate it and was quite proud at how unique and different it was from a regular confession.
The people who did manage to discover that it was me who had written the letter had bugged and tormented me for quite some time before things eventually died down. But, what upset me the most in all of it was that Hyuk had carried on as if nothing had happened. And even up until now he made it seem like he didn't know or remember.
But the truth was that I did have feelings for him and if this was really a sincere confession then that indeed would be great. And if not, I had nothing to lose anymore. As much as I tried not to, my mind began to find all sorts of excuses like this.
The day of the party was tomorrow, so it didn't leave me enough time to consider it any further anyway. I was afraid of regretting it later if I didn't go, so I made up my mind that I would attend the party.
The next day my room was a complete mess as I paced back and forth, trying to pick the right dress and accessories for the occasion. There were only a few hours left to go but I was still clueless on how to make myself look decent enough to even be there. After whirling through the dresses in my closet, I eventually picked a dark blue dress that I never really had the chance to wear it before since I rarely attend any social events. I put in a lot of effort to look good and started feeling more and more giddy and excited, pushing aside all the negative thoughts on my mind. If he ended up breaking my heart again, I'd have plenty of time to cry over it later. For now this was the first time I could at least pretend I had someone to try and look good for.
It was really overwhelming when I finally arrived at the party, because the place was much larger, much grander and a lot more crowded than I had expected. For a moment I panicked and wondered if I had made the right decision to come here, because I felt incredibly out of place and small. After a few hesitant steps into the main hall, I eventually built up some confidence and convinced myself that it would be okay because this time Hyuk was really my friend and I didn't want to believe he'd let anyone hurt me here. I hung onto that hope really hard as I took a deep breath and attempted to mingle into the crowd, trying to find a comfortable space for myself. I couldn't see Hyuk anywhere, but I did catch sight of his friend who had helped me pass on the confession letter in the past. When our eyes met, I happily smiled and waved my hand at him, but got a reaction in return that made my smile fade away. He just looked away bluntly, making me wonder if he had actually really seen me or if I had mistaken it. Somehow I was sure he did though, because he was definitely looking straight at me and there was nothing else to look at in the corner I stood in.
