cold.

14 2 1

by jayheartsfinn

by jayheartsfinn

MASSIVE TW!!//
descriptions of sh!! su1cid3, and stuff related to that!! please click off if uncomfortable!!!
(i also have 2 accounts and cant log back into the oldone :( i am unresponsive in the other account, this is my main account!!!)

cold.

11:49 pm

it was one of those days again. sad. miserable numb , nothing new. everything felt the same . i had to do what i did almost every night. cry. sob. scream. pass out. relapse and see the blood trickle down my arms. my legs. anywhere. it was pathetic. i had friends. they knew about this. they ask, they care. they love me. but i always find myself avoiding them and distancing myself away from them. trying to find a reason to hate them. but i cant. i cant do anything anymore. i canr even do basic human things anymore. i work a horrible job everyday. i cant handle it anymore. i have the worst grades ever. dysphoria. i am not a real man.

my heart aches everyday, losing its mind, i feel the heartbeats slowing down. i must've done something really bad. i deserve this right? what did i do to deserve it? the only escape from everything is for me to feel the blade of escaping press against my skin, breaking layers one by one as i feel it start to sting and warm red blood starts to flood out. or me crying until i cant breathe and pass out. those don't work anymore. there's only one thing left to do, snd theres no other option for when im suffering unbelievably every single day, when i wake up feeling sick to my stomach to the night when my arms sting and ache.

i stare at old pictures of myself, hoping to go back. But do i really want to go back? do i want to go back to how i was? i dont think so.

i want to let go of everything. i get goosebumps every time i think about ending it all. my skin starts to crawl, the hairs on my arms lift up and i feel a weird relief wash over me everytime. i always back out when im going to do it. why dont i go through with it? why cant my body seem to actually do it and not be scared?

but i know this time i will. the bottle inside of my heart is cracking and i don't want to talk to anyone about it. it seems selfish. and it is. but i dont have another choice.

i stand at the edge of the ledge and look down, removing my sweater letting the cold breeze hit and blow my hair to the other direction, i breathe in the fresh air that surrounds me and look down once more. dropping my phone and watching it fall down. as it hits the floor i see the pieces of the phone fall all over the place. i think. will my body do that too?

i take one last deep breathe and finally let go of the weight on my body. feeling the air thats pushing me down to the ground as i fall. i think about everything i could've done before i hit the hard and stiff floor that my thr blood in my body run cold.