This is how YouTube changed my life.

Who am I without the camera

Hi, my name is Jessica and I'm you're average junior in high school. I was never really popular but I had a lot of friends. I was thankful for the friends that I had. I never really thought of myself as an outcast or somebody who fits in, I guess I was just in between both of those options. I was always known as the hyper girl with the great smile when really I was feeling kind of alone, it was almost like I had something missing in my life that never let me be the person I wanted to be. My grandmother died in March 2014. She was the greatest woman in my life. She battled cancer since I was about 5 years old and died because of it when I was 15. My Mamaw was very close to her family, she was somebody who always brightened a day when hers was black. I guess she just wanted the best for others. She never put herself first when she needed too most. She just acted like the cancer wasn't there when in reality she didn't have much longer to live. The strongest person I know Is my grandmother.

The next year I decided I was going to start a YouTube channel to see if that gap in my heart would get filled even at it's slightest. I wanted to constantly be distracted from my thoughts and never listen to them. So I made my first video. YouTube is very distracting and I have to say I'm glad I started it. I have more friends because of it, maybe because they just want to be in a video rather than actually be my friend. I never knew who my real friends were. I found out later this year. Summer 2015, a total of 3 people have talked to me. My real friends. Even the girl I was inseparable from for the whole school year has said less than 10 words to me. I really love my friends and a lot of them ask me why I don't talk to them. I'm the type of person that constantly wants to talk to you but feels as if I'm annoying you or bothering you.

My biggest fear In life is to feel like I'm going to make somebody stop talking to me because I'm always wanting to talk to you. That's when I started you now. I had so many stories to tell but felt like I had nobody to tell them too. I got on and 6 people sat through my first 2 hour broadcast and listened to my stories replying to me with hearts and smily faces and all these nice wonderful complements I wanted to believe but couldn't because I see somebody els in the mirror. I'm nowhere near pretty in my eyes. I always appreciate the comments but don't expect me to believe them.

There was a broadcaster on YouNow named ChelseiIsCharlie. I saw her broadcasting a couple times but like I said I'm always afraid I'll annoy people in an instant so I never watched. Finally one day after I broadcasted with my sister Kayla we decided to watch Chelsei. Can I just say this girl was funny af and she was so gorgeous. Chelsei has defiantly made me laugh on the days I hadn't spoke a word to anybody. Im also quite terrified to put this paragraph in my story.I'm talking about this girl because she's a perfect example of what I mean when I say "I'm scared to talk to anybody because I don't want to annoy them." Here's my reasons as to why she is the one I'm scared to annoy most. Reason number 1. She is almost 20 im almost 17, meaning she is more mature than me. On the other hand I would say she is very similar to me.

2.she is a person who I would actually like to meet and talk to and be friends with, on that note I never want to annoy her,ever.

3.We havnt really met so I feel as if the slightest thing I could do at some point means she'll block me and think im creepy or something.   Even though she tells me I'm not annoying her I still feel as if I am and I should stop talking comply and leave her alone for the rest of her life.(Chelsei dont hate me) 

Though it's not just Chelsei it's everybody except my one closest friend and my boyfriend. Why I feel like this about EVERYBODY I don't know it could be a part of the fact that I am a very shy person. Once you get to know me you'll see the real me. I am me I'm a goofball and goody two shoes. I'm the one who always wants to put a smile on somebody's face through the truth. I don't want to tell you jokes to make you laugh I want to tell you something I see in you that you might not get told everyday. For instants I might tell you you're eyes are pretty or I'll tell you how gorgeous you are. This isn't me just sucking up and being nice but actually telling you what I see in you and it may not mean that much to you but I always have a story behind it.
If I can't feel good why not make others feel good.

There's always something unique about people. Everyone has their own uniqueness. Even if they don't think it's unique. Sure many people have pretty eyes or pretty hair. A lot of people in this world are gorgeous. I always have a different meaning to everything I say than everybody els. 1.your eyes are pretty-the person is pretty as a whole. Not just their eyes. But the sparkle you see in their eyes. You can see who they are,as a person. The way they look at you tells a story. Their eyes are pretty.
2.you have gorgeous hair-you have gorgeous hair I mean I don't have a real definition for that.
3.you're gorgeous-not only are you actually a gorgeous person but your personality is gorgeous. The way you talk to people the way you treat others and yourself,yet you have a gorgeous face and uniqueness to you nobody could compare too. You're gorgeous.

I guess I have a big heart but I never really feel it till I explain myself. I love all people. Gay,strait,bisexual,transgender just to name a few it does not matter how other people see you,if you are a great person I will automatically love you. Im this way because I love all people and im the kind the doesnt judge over anything because everybody has their own different beliefs and I feel that if i have a different opinion then I have a different opinion, end of story. There's no reason to judge, especially when I actually dont have a different opinion because I believe strongly that love is love and people can feel how they want to feel,continuing.

     I don't know what the difference is when it comes to my family. My sister's not the best at keeping boyfriends. They turn out to be crazy,all of them. She has a new one now and sure he seems cool but I don't want to like him. I just get so protective over my big sister. She's the only blood related sister I have. How am I supposed to like somebody that I don't really know and let him date my sister. I don't know but one things for certain I don't want to see another breakup and my sister get ripped apart again.