"Zhan did not want to wake up, but the chirping of the birds sounded like an alarm clock to his ears. He opened his eyes and stretched his aching body lazily, wincing at the same time. He looked at the part of Yibo's bed. It was empty though the trace of his head was still there on the pillow. He took his pillow and hugged it, smelling Yibo's scent. A mixture of sad and happy smile on his lips.
He got up and stood up. He walks over to the full-length mirror and looks at himself. He was still the same, nothing had changed physically. But he was different now. His eyes glow with passion. With carnal knowledge. He smiled at his own reflection tauntingly. Would he ever be branded as Xiao Zhan with Innocent Eyes?
He shook his head almost hysterically. You'll never deceive the press, Zhan... Your eyes now scream of carnal knowledge and longing...
Hot white liquid flowed down from his stomach to the middle of his thighs as recollections of what happened last night came to his mind.
He sighed sadly. He had always dreamed of giving his virginity to someone he loved and that would be his husband-on their wedding night.
He gave it to the one he loved all right... but not his husband-that part is the only thing he regrets. He had indulged in premarital sex. Not that he was morally righteous, but he didn't believe in sex outside marriage. His mother had been the classic example. And he, as a product of that mistake.
He promised himself never to make the same mistake. Only, the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. Not that he justified what happened. But the only thing he can do is make sure he doesn't do it again.
There was no future with Yibo. After a few months, if luckily his relationship with Yibo would last that long if he stayed, then he'd still discard him same as used clothes. There would be another one after him. He didn't want to experience that. He had to leave while the damage to his heart and pride was still bearable.
A knock made him turn to the door. He quickly grabbed the blanket, only to groan when he saw the stain on the bedsheet. He covered it with a pillow. "Come in." He folded the blanket.
The door opened and Nanny Jia entered. "Your breakfast is getting cold downstairs, Zhan," she said, curiosity in her eyes as she gazed at the red marks on his neck and shoulder blades.
Zhan's face turned red. He forgot the traces of what Yibo had done. "I-I'm going down."
"What do you want for lunch? Yibo was saying earlier before he went to the ranch that you would meet in the evening. The veterinarian will teach the ranch manager the ways to prevent the spread of the virus that landed on the animals."
"Anything Nanny Jia, . But after I shower, I want to go to town. I'm just going to buy something..." He smiled. "I- it's embarrassing to say." He made sure that she could think of rubber or any contraceptives. He liked the old woman. She was kind and warm. He didn't want to get a bad impression from her. But it was too late to build images. His consolation, he wouldn't be seeing her again.
"Oh, it's fine. I'll wait for you downstairs." Nanny Jia was about to come out again when he called her.
"Can I... borrow money from you..." His face was burning with embarrassment. He indicates that he will buy condoms, but he will borrow money from her. "I... I didn't have the chance to withdraw from my bank yesterday. Yibo is in a hurry."
Nanny Jia smiled. "That's fine, Zhan." She grabbed something from her clothes pocket under her apron. "Yibo gave me money for groceries earlier. There's still a lot of food in the fridge. You can use this. And I'll ask the driver to take you to the town. He'll show you where to go and he'll wait for you too."
From the folded money, she pulled out some and handed it to him. "Is that enough or should I add more? Maybe you can think of something to buy." "Thank you, Nanny Jia. this is enough."
When the old woman turned her back, Zhan quickly went to the bathroom and took a shower. Then got dressed. Then he stood there in the middle of the room, he made her eyes travel across the room and stopped at the bed.
His eyes stung. But he blinked back the threatening tears. If he doesn't do it now, he never will. He would be Yibo's slave forever. A willing slave. He opened the drawers in the bureau and looked for paper and a ball pen. After he wrote, he placed it under the lampshade, ball pen on top. Then he went out of the room with a heavy heart.
