Cynthia

BOUNDARIES

"She clearly has misconceptions about her father's disappearance. You need to sit her down and tell her the truth, whatever that may be. Do it as her mother, be stern. Stop acting like if you lose her you've lost your whole life. Explain everything to her, why you gave her little attention when she was young and why you always fought with her, tell her everything. Stop being a wimp Cynthia! You're too much of a softie and I've noticed it over the couple of sessions I've had with the both of you. Woman up, just be honest, this child is filled with nothing but confusion."
That is what Mr Therapist told me after our session today. I literally cannot comprehend any of that, am I a wimp? Am I really too soft on Clara now? Is she really acting out because she knows I won't do anything about it or because of how I acted when she was younger?

Goodness me, I have no answers to all these questions and it's killing me. Well, one thing I'm certain about is that I have to tell her about what really happened to her father, not that I know much, but I'll tell her everything I know. The original story I had told her was about him going to a better country, getting a well paying job and coming back soon.
I wonder if all mothers are nervous about having conversations with their daughters the way I am about this particular conversation. How do I even tell this child that her father could've possibly just left her or even died?

"I did everything that was in my power to find him and get him back, with no luck, I promise you. Only he has the answers to all your questions, all I know is that he's gone and the chances of him coming back to us are really low, I'm sorry baby," those were the last words from my side of the story. I expected Clara to finally understand me and see that I had no involvement in her father's disappearance. The reaction I got was quite the opposite, it was as if somebody had flipped a switch and we were suddenly in complete war mode. The girl was throwing things at me, screaming insults and some gibberish as well. I finally understood at this point that Clara did not respect me as her mother and she just wasn't ready to accept the reality of what happened to her father. It was definitely my fault for being soft on her over the past two years and not explaining things to her.
I flipped the couch over and got her to shut up and stop wrecking my grandmother's house. It was time for me to be stern, to use the kind of attitude I usually used on my clients, it was time to use my well built figure to be intimidating...to my own daughter.

"I am your mother young lady, I raised you and gave you my own version of love, you might not like me much but you ought to respect me in this house. Respect is earned and not commanded, I am more than sure that I have earned some respect from you. You continuously act out and don't communicate your problems with me. I feel helpless. I will no longer be doing therapy sessions with you since it's not helping. You have problems young lady and I've been trying to help you deal with them, but I'm tired now!