✨️🌻 Our material life ✨️🌻 KIMCHAY AU ✨️

Missing you 🌻

Kim didn’t talk to his sunflower again. Porchay didn’t send any messages again and he became the sunflower like the statue near the bench. He was just a part of the world which stopped being in sync with Kim's. It was their past and now his present. Each time Kim walked through that place he would intentionally ignore his feelings and get his back straight. He won't shiver. He won't regret. He won't get back his goodbye kiss. Porchay couldn’t stay in that world, not because he was an angel, though Kim loved this idea, but because he wasn’t meant for tricking people. He wasn’t fated to go play with his money.

He was just the lost cat Kim got back to his safe house. There was some dynamics to have to be in this world. There was some attitude and seeing how Porchay let himself be kissed in a safe way so easily he wasn’t sure that he would be able to fight more dangerous intents. Kim really pictured to him a bad world. He said all of those things and it wasn’t even exaggerated. He got through a lot. He wasn’t understanding at first that he could say no, that this contract didn’t mean that anyone could walk past his boundaries. If they agreed to have sex, they didn’t agree on the position or the way they wanted it. And often Kim just got with the flow and it gave him a vicious taste about himself. Porchay couldn’t be in this world. He couldn’t just naively analyze things and play like a kid in the middle of lions. He should find his way with money like Kim found his own.

And yet it became more difficult. He was not blooming anymore. Time wasn’t blooming anymore. Encounters weren’t blooming anymore.

Kim didn’t understand what was going on inside of him. He wasn’t sure on how he could interpret those sensations. Was it a sensation? Was it a real feeling? Was he tired? Should he just sleep more? He could think of every biological explanation but nothing out of his own rationality. It couldn’t be more than missing Porchay's money. True that Porchay's money was easy to have. Porchay's money was easy to ask for. Porchay’s money had the taste of simplicity. Porchay was simple. He was clear. He never tricked Kim on his intention. He was as clear as Kim's denial. And Kim thought that he missed the taste of his money because he was made, he was born for that money. Everything was okay if he could get the money but his uneasiness was getting between his relationships. He could ignore it as he wanted, a body could react despite what the brain wanted to impose.

"Kim, where are you?" The man asked, looking annoyed.

"What do you mean?" He answered, stopping their walk.

"I might be slow but I can see that you're not really here with me, I know that you don't want my presence or my attention and that you are faking your interest but can't you be good at acting at least?"

"You're… what are you saying? I am here, always…" He said in a sensual tone.

"I am not buying this, I am even not buying you things anymore."

"Why?" Kim said, taken aback.

"Because you know how a contract works. You know that you should please us and we also please you. It's a win-win, but I am not feeling like I am winning at all."

Another one. Another one dumping Kim because he wasn’t there. What did they ever mean? Why couldn’t they feel how much he was trying to be good for them? It was confusing. He was feeling that he was acting like before without even seeing that everything had changed. Not because of his own behavior. Because of another human's behavior.

Kim kept the little notebook under his bed. He wrote about twenty pages on only two rendez-vous with Porchay. It hit him now because he thought of never opening it back. It should be a memory, a great experience. He even wrote stupid things like the way he reacted to compliments. He described the taste of his skin. He even tried to find by himself his height and shoe size. He did a real detective's work and he had a lot of fun doing it. He remembered laughing out loud at his own bullshit. It was bullshit for him. It was just a play. A play he thought he didn’t begin now looking at the sunflower naively smiling at him. He was sure that the picture was also showing his tongue as if it was a call for taking their chat again.