Ashore

Chapter 1

Google says about 3 lakh people die by drowning worldwide every year. It's third major cause of unintentional death. About 2-8% choose the waters to quit life. It takes around two minutes to lose consciousness and another two to die. So a total of 4 minutes of struggle, pain and horror is what one has to go through before the end. Survival rate is less than 1% after four minutes. However, my survival rate would be closer to nil if l'd enter the sea at midnight.
The statistics were all clear. I had checked them twice Yesterday and rechecked thrice that very day. I had set up everything. There was no looking back.
However, when my bare feet first touched the cold sand, first doubt arose. 'You can't come back. You're gone means you are gone. This is serious.' Two years back, twenty four old me would have returned home at this very thought but twenty six year old me had grown over it.
I firmly put my second foot ahead. A cold breeze blew past me, bringing in the ocean's charm. According to statistics, rivers are ideal for drowning. However, i firmly believed there was something about the beaches that drew mw closer to them.
Secondly, Goa is famous for it's beaches.
And it was the most and the only secluded beach i could find in Goa on nye. It was unnamed on google, maybe it was yet to be discovered by a bollywood film director and be called by the name of the movie, more like 'dil chahta hai' fort and 'dear zindagi' road.

I moved ahead at a constant pace, neither fast nor slow. It was as if my body had given up, there was no desperation nor any resistance. It had taken me four years to reach this stage. A journey no one would be proud of.
Suddenly the sand below my feet felt wet. I was nearing my fate. And it struck me that i was doing it again? Even though i had promised myself and few other people that'll talk, i had failed.
Why does a person want to quit life? Do people ever wonder? I thought. Again. This time my eyes turned misty but i fought back the tears. Crying helps you let go, to move on, to overcome. I wanted to hold back everything that day. I wanted to make my heart heavy. I wanted to feel pain, agony and end my life. I had once heard my mom say it, 'when you are out to take your own life, no one can save you. Not even the gods.' I wanted to believe it that day.

When my feet first felt the sea, the first tear rolled down my cheek. "Im sorry." I mumbled. My lips quavered conquering my resistance.
It had taken me many years and even more unsuccessful attempts to reach at the last stage. Taking your own life is not easy. You require a whole lot of balls to overcome the fear of death before you actually attempt to die. People don't think about it, a person who has so much of courage to take his own life, fails to live it. How?
Or maybe the question should be, why?
What makes someone do it? What made my mom do it? What is making me do it?
At least, I understood why my mom did it. At that moment, i did understand.
"Im sorry." I whispered again. This time with a sob.

The water was halfway up to my knees, when i heard myself crying. But i kept dragging my feet forward. I never wanted this. But there i was. Desperate to die.
I wondered if the world would be different the next day? A world without me. No. But would someone else's world come crashing down the next day? Maybe. Was i being ungrateful? Yes. Was i doing something wrong? I asked myself. I couldn't think of an answer.

Was I really doing something wrong?
I was doing what a person does when he is tired after a long bad day. Rest.
With that thought, i surrendered my body to the sea. The water reached only upto my waist but the power it exerted, swayed me to and fro.
I closed my eyes before taking a step forward.

"Its life. Nothing goes as planned."
"You shouldn't have said it. You ruined my life!"
"You have to choose between your dad and mom."
"Be brave baby girl, mamma will see you in next life."

"I'm-" I weeped. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"Hey!" I heard a voice.
I opened my eyes. I found that the water still was still at my waist.
"Hey!!"
I turned around this time. A man was standing at a distance of 10 meters, howling as if he could save me. No one could do it that day. I was fighting a war with myself and that day was supposed to be the last. I turned in front and let the man howl.
"I think you should wait for five more minutes! Then you can continue." He suggested.

Okay. This was something new. I turned around and wiped my tears.
He looked at me and then started walking back to the shore.
"Excuse me?" I shouted.
He kept walking.
Asshole. I assumed he was drunk and went back to my business.
"Hey! Is this your phone? I need to make a call. It's urgent."
Wow. I frowned.
"Please." He cried, waving my phone in the air.
I sighed. I had left my clutch, phone and scarf on the shore. You can't trust the waters, they push you to any shore. 'What if they couldn't identify my body?' I had thought and left some evidence.
"SITARA1234" i screamed. "Password."
"Thanks. Nice name by the way." He replied quickly.
A real asshole. Not that I expected him to save me but what on earth was this behaviour.
"It says no balance!" He called out again.
"Fuck off!" I howled.
"Rude!" He howled back. "My life depends on this call, okay? I really need to make it." He cooled down. "Can you recharge your balance?"

I was so fucking done with him.
Then, there were two options. Either i ignore him and continue the endgame or i move back to the shore and purchase a recharge pack. There was no way i was going back that day. I've had enough from my life.
By the time i was pondering, the asshole had already reached the sea with my phone. It was dark, the only light source was the moon. I could make out a silhouette approaching me with an unstable gait.
"I know this is a wrong time but my life depends on this call." He urged, handing me the phone. His other hand held a bottle. He was drunk.
I didn't say a word. It was weird standing in the middle of the sea, purchasing a talk time.

"Here." I tossed the phone towards him and he almost dropped it.
"Saved it." He cheered. The next moment he was ringing to someone standing right next to me, IN THE DAMN SEA.
How desperate.
"Hello? Zoya I-?" He tripped and leaned on my shoulder. If it was some other day it'd have been my fist, his teeth.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"No, it's fin-"
"I'm so sorry Zoya." He continued.
Second hand embarrassment. To neutralise the awkwardness i moved my hand over the surface of the sea, disturbing the momentum of the waves.
"Listen to me! I'm sorry." He jittered suddenly. "I'm sorry but it was more fun with your cousin than you."
My jaw dropped. Not that i was eavesdropping. The man was right next to me. And he was an absolute bastard.
"No, you listen. I'm sorry for you that you're going to marry that loser! At least your cousin can have me now." He laughed and nudged my shoulder.
Okay. Enough. Blame it on the waves. My fist landed on his nose.