Taint

7 - Order's Up

Kai had no idea what time it was, having never had to bow to the construct of human timekeeping. Luckily for him, this food establishment was a Malarkey's, the most prolific restaurant the world had ever seen. Most of humanity lived within eighteen seconds of one of these, and by sheer force of ubiquity, they had crushed every competitor in their wake with little effort.

Also, they were open 24/7, which worked out nicely for the young demon. He burst through the door, hands still smoking, and stood in the lobby of Malarkey's, just as conspicuous as one might imagine.

"Food!" Kai roared. He'd seen his father demand things this way over the centuries. It always seemed to work, with minions of all colours, shapes, and sizes tripping over each other to appease the demonic lord.

Angry lights glared from the ceiling, the kind of lights designed to depress the soul, making it seek solace in cheap, overly-salted food and unchecked solitude. The stench of burnt grease and tangy sauce hung in the air, assaulting even the nostrils of a being born in a plume of brimstone. Even in the middle of the night, Malarkey's was hopping. A young couple argued in hushed tones in a far corner, and a deranged man stood at the counter, berating the unfortunate teenager working the night shift.

"Food!" Kai repeated. A demand from the heir to the Lord of All never had to be said more than once. This was highly unorthodox.

A pair of wild eyes embedded in a nest of matted hair and extreme insomnia spun around to face him, giving Aiden, the twelfth grader trying to earn a few extra bucks to pay for prom, a much-needed break.

"You wait your turn, buddy!" The man's voice rasped with years on the streets. Kai wondered if he'd talked to anyone who wanted to listen for a long while. "This punk wants to charge me six bucks for a damn burger!"

"That's the price, sir!" Aiden was doing his best to maintain 'customer service' voice, but it was fraying at the edges. "If I give it to you for any less, I'll get in trouble!"

"Sir!" Kai slapped the man on the shoulder. He'd studied up on human relations in Demonic Possession classes just in case he'd ever had to spend any time wandering amongst them. "I was just hoping to get some of the food in this fine establishment!"

Aiden burst out laughing but hid his face behind his hands until he regained his composure. "Man, the night shift is weird."

"You calling me weird, kid?" Sir spun back on Aiden, a gnarled finger up in the poor boy's face. "What's weird is six bucks for a bun and some chopped-up cow meat. I want to see your manager!"

Aiden bowed his head. "Sir, I am the manager."

"You're the manager?" Sir laughed. "What are you, eight?"

"I'm seventeen, sir. And yes, I'm the manager. You know how many people quit here every day?" Aiden tapped his nametag. Sure enough, it said 'Aiden - Night Manager.'

"No wonder this place is going to shit," said Sir. "If you're the manager, just give me the damn burger! You can't get yourself in trouble, can you?"

Kai's stomach rumbled again. This time, it meant business.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but I have asked for food twice, in as polite a fashion as is demonically possible, and if I don't eat soon, I'm likely to burn the entire place down with a thought." Kai muscled past Sir and gave Aiden a slap on the shoulder, too. If that was how the humans liked it, so be it.

"Watch it, bud!" Aiden grabbed Kai's hand and shoved it away. "That's assault!"

"You don't need to hit the kid," Sir said. "It's just a burger!"

"I'm not hitting anyone!" Kai protested. "I'm impossibly hungry and I need to eat something! Just give me some food!"

"Look, you can order something and pay like everybody else!" Aiden's patience was on the razor's edge of snapping. Unfortunately, so was Kai's.

"Do you know who I am?" Kai had seen his father use this tactic on more than one occasion, and it used to strike fear in the hearts of the superstitious. Alas, those times had long since passed. The modern human was so bitter, so jaded, and always ready to expect the worst thing to happen they didn't even bat an eye.

"You're the guy who's about to get kicked out of this restaurant if you don't calm down and order something like a normal person!" Aiden had dealt with crazy before. Every day, every third customer gave him the business about something. Wrong burger. Fries are soggy. This drink is flat. I didn't order pickles. I did order pickles. I only wanted pickles.

For a moment, Kai pondered what the boy had said. Calm down. Order something. The word 'pay' rattled around in his mind, trying desperately to stick to the dumb cow brain he had to work with in human form. He wished he had taken the extra credit classes on human behaviour and customs, but he never would have dreamed in a thousand years this would have been his eternity. Paying involved money. Maybe calming down and using a gentler approach might be the best idea.

"I'm sorry-" Kai said, but at that moment, another customer's order was ready. Another worker, Jenn, brought it up on a clean tray and slapped it down on the counter beside Aiden.

"Number 98!" Jenn squawked. She didn't even glance at Kai, but left the tray unattended and returned to her station in the back.

Kai stared at the tray. There it was. Food, glorious food, just sitting there waiting to be devoured. A hastily wrapped something, stinking like dead animal and salt. An overstuffed box of yellow potato sticks leaned against the husk of meat and bread, steaming and tossing out 'eat me' vibes. Something triggered in his reptile brain, a tiny chunk of the mind that humans hadn't yet shed in the long, ugly process of evolution. He didn't notice the young couple slide out from their seats to claim their order, for they were, in fact, Order Number 98. Before he knew what he was doing, his hands shot out, grabbed the dead animal offering, and shoved the entire thing into his gaping maw.

"What the hell, dude?"

Kai whirled around and came face to face with the rather upset young couple. He tried to speak, but the burger filling his face rendered him speechless.

"Did he just eat my burger, Chad?" The young lady barely registered in Kai's mind. Every bite of the meat made him want more. He reached out for the potato sticks and shoved them into his mouth around the burger.

"Give us our food, bro!" Chad was a larger fellow, substantial in his musculature and fixing for a brouhaha. "Now!"

Kai tried to chew as quickly as he could, hoping to explain himself before things escalated any further.

"Kick this guy out!" Chad demanded. "And I want more food!"

"I'm sure we can figure this out." Aiden had his smooth customer service voice back on. "Let's just try to keep calm."

"Sure, I'll keep calm." Chad stepped up to Kai. "As soon as this guy buys me another sandwich!"

Chad made his fatal mistake right then. He reached up to give Kai the classic shoulder shove-a move intended to show someone you aren't afraid to get physical. Chad's biggest problem was that he didn't shove just anybody. He shoved a demon prince. And even though the demon prince was in human form, he was still very much a demon. And humans have a rather unfortunate reaction to touching demons.

Chad burst into flame and was dead before his brain registered the pain.