Empty Emotions

1 - The main character

I rewrote my life thousands of times because no matter how much I hated you, you always became the main character. No matter how many times I try to forget you, you always come back to my mind and cause me pain. It's just... that I want to see you again. I want to see how nothing worked out for you, how you lost everything. Only then will I be able to sleep peacefully. Only then will I be able to safely fall in love with someone better. Nothing is possible for now. And it's your fault.

High school started, our first meeting. The sun shone shyly in the sky, the tree in front of the school building provided a pleasant shade, and as soon as I saw you, I wanted to know you. Over time, I liked your originality, the fact that you could spend hours choosing what to wear tomorrow, you used strange words and... you always shared chocolate. I don't know how it happened, but I was your pet - you fed me sweets and, staring at my friend, you sat next to me to have a better view.

"We're dating", she told me a month after you met, after I met you. Quick. Is that why you were avoiding me? Did you want to be alone with her?

I closed my eyes, trying not to vomit. Why did it bother me? I didn't want to know the answer. None of us were really close to anyone. You knew each other for too short a time, she and I had been ignoring each other for several years, I was a stuffed animal to you. Our relationship was so empty that it should have ended eventually. But they lasted and lasted, endlessly tormenting and humiliating me. Yes it was. But one night changed everything.

I lay in bed and looked through my notes for the next day. I was always a fairly good student, I studied a lot and won awards for academic excellence. Reading and cramming were my own life path, which I intended to follow until my untimely death caused by fatigue and stress. Well, I never liked happy endings. I shouldn't have expected that the second I received your message after nine at night."Is everything OK? You looked bad today.""Nothing happened. I slept little"."You should get more sleep, you might hurt yourself.""You are worried?"I wrote this message a little too quickly and against my will. Now I sat on the bed with shaking hands and waited for your answer. I realized that no matter what he answered, my heart couldn't bear it. I will do everything to turn "no" into "yes". And if I get a "yes"...New message sound."Yes."

***

We kissed on the couch in his house. By renting a studio apartment, he had to go into quite a lot of debt. Maybe he had an extra job? Or rich parents? Savings? Whoever this man was, I felt him take off my sweater and I let him do it. Not wanting to be outdone, I started unbuttoning his shirt and after a few seconds I could admire his slightly packed chest. At the same moment, the man dug his teeth hard into my neck and left quite a large hickey. His lips slowly moved lower, and I found it increasingly difficult to breathe. He grabbed me from behind and, undoing my bra, kissed and touched my belly, breasts and waist. I felt like I wanted him with every cell in my body, not just between my legs. I haven't given my whole self to that love yet. Not yet.I think that's when I said your name. I called you, but you didn't come and you won't come again. Because you don't worry about me anymore.