A light breeze drifted through the window as I looked at her. She means everything to me. Watching her snoring softly made my heart ache. It hurts.
A tear escaped my eyes.
Will it be alright? Did I do it right?
It won't stop. I pray to any god for it to make it stop.
This time paradox. Stop it. Just.
I leaned in and gently pressed a kiss on her forehead, tracing her lips with my thumb. She looks...serene.
For a moment I forget everything.
Tick, tick, tick.......sound of the clock coming from the bed stand making me realize that it was December 30, 11:55. Only five minutes left to be with her. Only five minutes and then it's January 1. That one day which I started to hate since 2010.
It's been what... 23-24 years, I lost count. I don't know how many times I have been living the same year again and again. But in every single one of those years, I lost her before that ominous day.
Will it be different this time, I mean she is alive. HERE. And with me.
Tick..tick..tick.. Only five seconds left. Beads of sweat shone on my forehead as I clenched her hand, my heartbeat started to race like a horse. It's happening, I can't. No. no
"Happy New Year," a soft voice said. And I looked at her "What... you are here... oh my god. It stopped" I was crying hysterically, hugging her.
"Hey, hey what happens, are you ok? I am here I am here. "I heard her. She is real, she is here in my arms.
...
Date 30, December, 2010 {year 1}
Feeling consumed by frustration and anger, she seized a glass from the table, I saw her hands trembling. But she had so much rage inside her that she hurled that glass with so much force that it left shards in the whole room splattered across the floor.
I know she is mad. The doctor's appointment did not go as we wished to. This is not what we imagined. She is broken. She had hope. She wanted a child of her own. But all reports came back negative.
Is this how it feels like to have god wrath upon you?
"Baby, Helena just calm down. I am here for you. Always." she looked at me like she had a lot to say. More tears came down to her chin. And then she left to her room leaving me alone. In my thoughts.
Tick...
My mind is spinning with all things, how we can do anything. I ran after her thinking she might do something to harm her. Like before. She had a terrible past. And now this.
I knocked at her door. Twice. But no answer so I opened it. And there I could not imagine this noooooooooo.............and everything gone black.
Crash.
............................................................................................................
Dec 30, 2010 {year 2}
The ringing of the clock woke me up. I clenched myself. Panting. Helena. Helena. I moved my legs with a start but stopped short. Came to a halt at once.
She is not dead that can't be.
I a... what... I ran towards the hall, I perfectly remembered that she was there lying in her blood. I then heard a sweet voice calling my name, I felt it was a dream ... but no she was here. In the kitchen making breakfast "Baby you do know that we have a doctor's appointment today"
