Amber Ball
English Composition
March 13, 2013
Kelly Keough
The Turbulent To Self-Identity
It was a typical summer afternoon when my mom called my name in her thick Panamanian accent, “Ambar”, she shouted obnoxiously like she always does. I wondered what in the world she could possibly want. She handed me this dusty and decrepit looking manual titled, “How to Find your Self-Identity”. In the manual, there were ten steps to discover yourself. The steps were described so simply that I essentially discovered my true self-identity by the time I was a mere six years old! I had figured out. This enlightening manual simply said in order to discover yourself, all you really have to do is ask other people! So, I took it upon myself to ask everybody, and I do mean everybody, “who am I?” I asked everyone from my parents to strangers walking down the street. Who could have guessed it was all that simple?! It seemed all too good to be true. In fact, it was. Through the excruciating pain, tears, laughter, and joy, I have discovered my self-identity. The steps I have taken to discover myself were not handed to me in some old manual. Truth be told, I had to find that out on my own. Not to mention, if it wasn’t for friends, ex-boyfriends, enemies, education, or family, I probably wouldn’t have the slightest inkling as to who I truly am.
My family is largely responsible for helping me discover myself. Luckily for me, I was blessed with a supportive family that loves me. Growing up can be so challenging especially the adolescent years. Yet, those were the years when I realized blood is whole lot thicker than water. I had the privilege of being snubbed, bullied, and teased throughout my middle school years when I resided in Mississippi. I was a target of racism and ridicule on nearly a daily basis. “Anger and bitterness had preyed upon me continually for weeks and a deep languor had succeeded this passionate struggle”, explained Helen Keller in her short story, The Most Important Day. This particular quote from her inspiring story captured a piece of my heart simply because it hit home. I, too, became exceedingly angry and bitter. Rejection attacked every fiber of my being. I didn’t feel adequate or good enough. I was filled to the brink with such vexation and frustration that I couldn’t take it anymore. I succumbed to a deep depression at which point I stopped caring about anything. Nothing brought me joy. I was literally submerged in a hole of complete and utter sorrowfulness. It was at this time when I yearned to feel anger because it would have felt better than feeling nothing at all. It was a though my mind, body, and soul became numb to the pain. I was the farthest I had ever felt to discovering myself because I believed I was indeed a “dirty Mexican” or “stupid whore”. I believed every label my peers threw at me. I have much empathy for Keller because I know exactly how she feels. Furthermore, this sort of cruel treatment from my peers caused me to lean on my family more than ever before. Your family knows you more than you know yourself at times. Not only did I have family to lean on, but eventually my confidence resurfaced, and I became socially capable enough to make friends. These friends also helped me discover my self-identity.
Upon entering high school, my father retired from the military and I made the move to New England. It was a fresh start, and I was overwhelmed with pure ecstasy. Once we settled here, I managed to make a lot of friends. I decided I was never going to let other people determine my personality or self-identity. It was as though I had an epiphany. I decided it was childish and juvenile let other people who hardly know me get the best of me. I took it upon myself to well, be myself. In spite of being bullied for years, I decided it was best to let the real me shine through and if someone didn’t like me for who I was then that was their issue. It suddenly occurred to me like a light bulb shining directly in my eyes; Life is just too short. I decided to surround myself with people who actually enjoy my company.
True friends aren’t always going to be your cheerleaders. Your real friends are going to inform you of your shortcomings whether they do it by accident or intentionally. I have a close circle of friends who know me very well. They know me so well it’s a little annoying because they’ll be the ones to tell me the truth about myself when I attempt to stray so far from it. I’m notorious for being impulsive, reckless, and daring. My friends constantly remind me of my reckless ways as I’m racing down the highway driving 90 mph. “Geez, Amber, could ya slow down even a little?” All my life I’ve been told to slow down. Through my closest friends, I have discovered I have a rather addictive personality. “Addiction does indeed discriminate. It ‘selects’ for people who are bad at delaying gratification and gauging consequences, who are impulsive, who think they have little to lose, have few competing interests, or who are willing to lie to a spouse” claims Sally Satel in her informative short story, Addiction Doesn’t Discriminate? I’m known for having a little too much fun. Yet, although the comments can be rather bothersome to listen to, I appreciate them. My friends are the yellow traffic lights telling me to slow down as I speed my way down the intersections. My friends are the people who remind me what my limitations are. They remind me to live life to the fullest but also cautiously.
“Give things the dignity of their names” instructs Natalie Goldberg in her article Be Specific. Goldberg explains how poignant being descriptive is. She states that true writers are never verbose in their speech. She informs us that we need to learn more names and adjectives. I never thought I would say this, but furthering my education has also helped me discover my self-identity. The humorous but not-so humorous aspect of going to college is finding out just how much you don’t know. As a high-schooler, I thought I knew it all. Come to find out, I actually am quite uneducated. Furthering your education is such an eye opener in so many ways. It helps you realize what your talents really are, and also helps you towards the path of self-identity.
In conclusion, discovering your self-identity is one of the most pivotal parts of life. If you don’t know yourself, life will be that much harsher. There isn’t any manual that states the steps to self-identity, or a magical gnome that will readily describe your self-identity for you. The turbulent path to self-identity only allows one traveler and that traveler is you. Other people are definitely essential to the discovery of your self-identity, but at the end of the day, the answer lies within yourself. Only you know who you are. The steps I have taken to discover myself have derived from friends, family, enemies, and education. I am still traveling down the turbulent path to my self-identity, but I believe that with my positivity, perseverance, and support from my loved ones, this turbulent path won’t be all that bad.
