Mind is a comfort

One-shot

Paris looked at Jace, she always looked at her, she always tried not to, but her mind was engraved with her, so naturally it was only right that she found her as easily as she thought of her.

But years have passed, and she hasn't seen or even heard from her, and she knows that because she's trying desperately to remember everything from start to finish, which she knows she won't.

So Paris is wondering why her mind forgets even when she thinks about her almost every day of every week for the past nine years.

How can the mind forget, but the heart remembers?

Especially that constant ache that came every time Paris thought about Jace longer than necessary?

Why was the human body built like that, torturing enough to hurt but not enough to kill?

~~~~~~~~

Normally Paris tries to think carefully, but thoughts are thoughts, so she knows she fucked up when it hit her like a train.

The thoughts all come down on her at once, they repeat in her mind and the more that it does the more Paris is actually in tune with the sounds around her and how loud her heart is beating.

She began to get emotional, which was always too emotional when it came to her, so she didn't know what she was doing until she felt the familiar burn just below her belly button, which brought her back to a memory that happened years ago.

She was talking to her friend at the time about how she should confess that she likes Jace, she had been building herself up for two years to do so anyway, plus Jace, and she hadn't talked for a while so if things had gone shitty they could just live like they were now.

Paris was scared so like the idiot she was, she made her friend tell her crush and so her friend did but in such a horrible way, which was by screenshotting their conversation and sending it to Jace.

Horrible was an understatement of how it went because it had been worse, it was miserably awkward, Jace had just texted "I know you like me" and all she had texted back was "I'm not out yet, so please don't tell anyone" and she replied with "alright, I'm here if you need me.''

Paris texted her dumbass of a friend instantly on what had happened and sent laughing emojis to show that she was okay, but she was far from that because later she cried herself to sleep and had to go to school where she would see Jace.

She was correct, not only with that but also with her previous thought last night, that she and Jace would live like how they were now, pretending like they didn't know each other.

~~~

She didn't know when she came back to herself that night but all she can think of right now as she's feeling warm under her sheets with a foggy head is that the memory aches because back then she didn't know that she was in love, like Wattpad cringy love.

But she should have known, everyone did, her stepdad would pick her up from school and let her linger a little longer just to talk to her, and her brother who she confessed that she was gay, pretended that he had liked Jace just to rile her up.

Everyone knew, but she didn't back then, and how she wished someone had told her that not only was there just "love" but that there were many types of it and the one she had was the most messed up type there was.

Paris will turn eighteen in a week, she hates that because she was never even planning to live past 16, but now here she is practically eighteen already.

She's seventeen, drunk, and feels it all, and like she always does when everything is too much she begs her mind to create some sort of comfort, which her mind gives her easily since she's intoxicated.

~~~~~~~

Paris's back is against the sheets, and she laughs, feeling the weight on her stomach. She doesn't need to check who it is to know who it was, she knows her mind.

"You know I wished you loved me" she whispers softly

Jace is sitting on her stomach, she's smiling softly like she always does or at least she thinks she does from what she remembers, either way, it makes her happy to finally remember something.

Jace breathes softly, and looks down with her eyebrow sticking up "Do you honestly wish for that because as far as I can remember you hate wishes because they're forced and not natural" Jace says

"I know, but wishes aren't real though, they were never, and they won't be just because someone begs for one," Paris says bitterly

"What if they were, though?" Jace says as she draws shapes on Paris's collarbone

About a thousand different thoughts go through Paris's mind, but instead of shrugging them off, she says the one bursting to explode.

"Then I would have had you instantly," she says, which she knows sounds cliché, but she never really lies to Jace or can ever really filter herself around her, she loves that she's soft with her even in her head, being soft was ok with her.

Everything starts to get quiet, so she knows the conversation is over, so she closes her eyes while Jace continues to draw shapes on her, Paris is not surprised when Jace's breathing doesn't change because she knows, her mind just knows.

Which makes her sad, it's been nine years, and she's still hopeful that somehow the feelings would be mutual, but Paris knows they won't.

~~~~~~~

How could it become something?

Love had to have formed from attraction, and Paris knows Jace was never attracted to her, still, Paris hoped even in her drunken state.

Paris closed her eyes, feeling sleepy and especially grateful tonight that Jace's comfort had come as easily to her, even if Paris knew that the weight on her stomach wasn't Jace but the ache that came with alcohol and a heavy heart.

Her mind always knew that the only comfort was her, years had passed by yet still she craved the unrequited love of her, which Paris didn't know if it was selfish or utterly embarrassingly weird, she was tired of thinking and thankfully her mind was ready to rest.

Paris will turn eighteen in a week, and she knows her mind will deteriorate her memories of Jace not because of the lack of them but because she's human and humans tend to forget, even when they're begging themselves not to.

The good thing about being human though was the heart never forgets what the mind does, so she'll be okay for now at least.