Back in time

3

"what am I supposed to do now? bringing me back to life, dear God you should have atleast miraculously gave me bag full of money that I can spend on my necessities. Fudge!"

I ruffled my hair in frustration.

I don't even know what year it is, what time it is, I don't even have my phone right now.

"arghhhh!"furiously kicking the ground I sat back on the bench again.

"where is that lady anyway?" I mumbled,

I just wanted all the pain to go away, I just want to be okay, but rather than being okay I'm stuck on this situation going back in time shit.

"ugh, my head hurts"

I massage my temples hoping to lessen the pressure building up.

"I swear you're a handful makgeoli" for the nth time my heart pounded off my chest, there goes lee donghyuck his hands on his waist catching his breath

"why aren't you saying anything? are you angry? I'm really sorry I really didn't mean to knock you out with the ball"

my breath hitched.

his face were only inches apart from my face and I feel my ears heating up.

"I'm really sorry" his head hung low.

he played with my fingers making me stiffer than I already is if that's even possible. I can't think straight, I don't know what to say, I don't know... I just... Fudge! I don't know how to react.

there's a tug in my heart and guilt crept to it, seeing him get sad because of me  pinch my heart.

I shouldn't be feeling this way, he hurt me, he trampled my love for him and he broke me beyond repair, I should be angry with him, I should not engage myself with him because I have to protect my heart, my life, my world and my sanity from him.

"It's late lets go now" he tugged my hand.

I just let him take me to where ever were going. my mind is telling me this wrong, that this is so stupid of me, letting him break through the invisible defenses in my heart but a part of me wanted to relish this.

his warmth, how perfect his hands intertwined with mine.

I have to savor this, because this will be the last time... the last time you will come this close to me lee donghyuck.

"why are you guys late?"

na jaemin.

my friends are here.

Right, I was sharing house with them back then.

"uh.. just cause"

jaemin threw us a knowing look, wiggling his brows I retracted my hand from donghyuck's hold.

the younger frowned at him and was about to say something when another voice spoke

"oh hyuck hyung, chenle is looking for you" jisung appeared holding his phone up

"I'll go ahead then" the two nodded.

I furrowed my brows, as far as I can remember their shared house are still a  15 minute walk from here.

its not safe to go home alone.

I bit my lip I should not care, it will only complicate things, I should start distancing myself to him from now on.

"I'll go with you hyuck, its late already"

Jeno looking like he just got out of shower tugged donghyuck's hand away and the latter just gave small wave of goodbye.

that's nice right? I won't feel guilty not dropping him off their shared house and at the same time I won't have to interact with him, a win win situation if you ask me....

but why does jeno going with him do not sit right with me? did jeno like him back then?

being engrossed on my own thinking I did not realize that I was standing there longer than I should have.

"hyung are you okay? you're spacing out"
jisung snapped his fingers infront of me

"huh?" jaemin came closer to us and touch my forehead

"was the impact too severe you're still out of it?" I shrugged my head and headed upstairs, not bothering to say goodbye to the other two. 

trusting my instinct I opened the room to the far end corner of the hallway, crossing my fingers, the familiarity of the room hits me, for the first time today I let a small smile, I miss this space, I closed the door and started exploring the room, my belongings are there, my clothes neatly tucked.

I pulled out clean sweatpants and hoodie and head to the connecting bathroom. I need to clear my head and good hot shower can do that.

after almost half an hour in the bathroom I lay plopped to my bed.

I miss this bed, with the windows open letting in coldness inside I sucked in air. starring at my ceiling, I am thinking of what might happen tomorrow, then the next day and then the next, next day.

I still cannot wrapped my head around the fact that I came back to the past, I never thought this kind of drama thing exist in real life, very impossible but here I am sharing the same faith as those in drama.

I heave a sigh, the lady said that I need to protect my happiness, right?

that's what I should do, protect my happiness, live without regrets, fix my life and maybe along the way fall in love again..

love..

I wanted that, fall in love without restraints and be love without restraints,

I thought donghyuck's that but I was wrong,

I don't think I can love any other how I love donghyuck, but I will try, i will try to find someone deserving of my love and can give me the love I deserve...  

"this time lee donghyuck you will not be an option"

I whispered and for the 2nd time surrendering my self to sleep.