How can you genuinely love someone but hate them so much? I only learnt this through those I believed would stick with me throughout my life.
Our friendships are some of my most cherished memories, but I wonder how long it will take for them to deteriorate until nothing is left. It was great until this year. This one fateful year where everything feels out of control.
How am I supposed to console my thoughts? How am I to believe you truly care about me?
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I think of one, who was there for me, like a mother would. But now every conversation is forced, words spouted in an attempt to bring the conversation to an end—each one shorter than the last.
I don't know what I did.
I spoke to you, texted you, and even sent a heartfelt letter. But as I look through my texts, your last reply was almost three weeks ago; a dry reply, one suspiciously similar to an autogenerated response, simply out of obligation. After all these years, I have stuck through every moment, yet a text as simple as, "are we meeting after school?" isn't even dignifiable with a one word response?
My heart breaks, and though it's been weeks, I try to understand. I've stopped texting, because as this point was else can I be but a nuisance.
I talked to you one Friday. A chance encounter, that was surprisingly pleasant. While you seemed to want to escape me, it was rather because a teacher was expecting you, and not because you detested conversing with me. Yet on my dreary walk back, meant to free me from my math teacher, I was plagued with all the what-ifs.
What shall I do if we never want to speak with me again? How am I possibly supposed to mend this chasm that has opened up between us?
I no longer know when to draw the line. How much longer must I be understanding of your struggles, when you can't even dignify my efforts with a response?
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Then there was the second one, who felt almost like a reflection of myself. You shared my struggles and celebrated my triumphs. We would hangout practically every week. To this point I don't know if there was something between us that wasn't friendship, but I wish for the days we'd curl up together to watch a show.
I haven't had much of a chance to properly catch up with you, and have texted you even less, in hopes that maybe you would be the one to reach out to me.
I was wrong.
I know you're busy, but I feel so isolated at times, when I look online and see you doing things without me. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, I think back to our weekly meet ups.
Was a simple text that hard?
I know I should've expected this, with the way our current lives are. But I wasn't prepared for this loneliness. And even though this could be remedied with one small text, my heart stalls at the thought of coming off as annoying or being rejected (whether apologetically or not).
I lack the bravery to text first, as I have done so for years, and my efforts were never properly reciprocated. I long to text you, to have those conversations again, to hug you, and to experience those old days once more.
You truly felt like my other half at times, yet I was always in doubt about whether I held the same place in your life.
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I wish I wouldn't overthink.
But as I lay in bed, I'm hit with the paralyzing feeling that I might lose the people I hold closest to me......through no fault of my own, with no way to change anything.
