Defiance is Survival

Ch. 6

Spensa pov

I officially hate my life. I can't count the number of times i've asked "why me?" in the past four days.

Why does it have to be me who loses her memory? Why does it have to be me that the eyes talk to? Why does it have to be me that has to kill the Admiral of the DDF? Why me? Goodness gracious.

I'm laying in my quarters, which were supposedly mine before, but there's almost nothing in it. A couple changes of clothes and my flight suits.

I check the time quickly, before shutting my eyes again. There's about 20 minutes until I need to be down at Alta Base to get awarded with something or other to commemorate my "amazing acts as a pilot for the DDF."

I don't remember these acts. Nobody does, besides the fact that I learned valuable information about the Superiority, hyperdrives, and cytonics.

Of course, I always could remember them. If I really wanted to. I shake the idea from my head.

No, i'm not going to kill Jorgen.

He lied to you.

The words echo in my soul. I'm not sure if they're actually talking to me, or if it's just some sort of hallucination in my head.

Okay, maybe he lied to me. So what?

But, why would he? Why would he, given the chance, not retrieve my memory?

He knows that what you understand will jeopardize his position.

My eyes fly open. That was them. I know it. At least i'm getting better at transmitting. How so?

His alliances are built on lies. His life is built on lies. If you reveal the truth, he will lose everything. That is what you want.

It is?

You want your memories. He is keeping them from you. The only thing you can do is get rid of him.

I swing my legs off my bed. I know that they're right. Jorgen is hiding something. But deep down, there's a part of me that asks "what if everyone is lying?"

The delvers are silent.

I don't know what to do. Everything is foreign to me, I don't know anything about anything. Who stole my memories? Was it the delvers? The intergalactic government people call the Superiority? Is it these people, on Detritus?

Too many questions.

I get up, heading towards my closet to put on my flight suit. I change quickly, leaving the room silently.

FM comes up behind me, boots clacking against the ground. She's tall, much taller than me, and she somehow manages to wear everything like it's the most amazing thing anyone has ever seen. She's nice, too. A good person. Would she kill Jorgen if she were in my shoes? Probably not.

"You ready for this?" she asks.

"Oh, absolutely not," I say, and she laughs.

"It won't be that bad. Probably. I don't know." A smile dances across her lips. "I don't think anyone is. Especially Jorgen."

I look away. And her smile broadens. She bumps shoulders with me. "Have you guys talked much since he woke up?"

I shake my head. "I just don't know. About any of this."

Her smile dampens a little bit. "I know it's hard. But he's really trying. You were closer to him than anyone else, besides maybe Rig and Gran-Gran." Her smile returns to normal. "But I'm sure he'd love talking with you."