Dear Diary: How To Unsuck Life?

today

I am not a huge fan of Mondays. Whatever, after all noone is. At least that's what my impression is. Waking up at 6am, having to put on a decent outfit for a place that I hate just to sit there for 7 hours daydreaming and worrying what others think of me or how I should be paying attention while I just can't.

I usually feel miserable at school. It isn't that school is a bad place. It just makes me feel bad. I have a few friends there, and we get along pretty well. At least, most of the time. It is a 3 person friendship and I have heard that they don't work in the long run. And I am starting to realise that's the truth. I've been feeling left out for half a year now. But I've got noone else there. So they must do. I would happily sit alone and mind my own business. I always do, everywhere and any time I can. That's just how I am. People mean drama. Not the typical highschool drama when you see two girls pulling each others hair because one got with the other's boyfriend. I mean that most people's communication sucks. And I can't stand that. I just can't comprehend how you say one thing and mean a whole other. I have had enough of the backstabbing. If you don't want to be friends with someone, don't be just so later you can talk shit about them. You are not obligated to.
When I was young, my mother used to tell me that if I don't have anything nice or appropriate to say, don't say anything at all. So, I could go days without saying a word to anyone. In preschool, I was the odd one. I was friends with all the preschool teachers, but had no friends amongst my peers. I was always playing alone, drawing or reading, and dreaming about a perfect world, an 'utopia' if you will. I wanted to escape the world I was stuck in. I didn't really talk much. Not because I couldn't, but because any time I opened my mouth, I would be overtalked. Or even when I was listened to, the other kids didn't understand what I was saying. Just to clear things up: I didn't have speech developmental problems. I was just always saying random things that came to my mind, as hundreds and thousands of thoughts were running through it and I could only catch one at a time, and say that. I was always lost in the details, I loved to comment on how pretty the trees looked or how softly the grass was touching my feet. I could go hours staring at two worms as they dug deeper and deeper into the ground. And many times I wish I could follor them. To just disappear in the mud, into a dark place where the sun doesn't shine and there is peace and quiet. They couldn't follow my thought process, neither could anyone else. But I didn't blame them. I was happy with the way I was. So, in preschool I learned how to be alone. I was never afraid of solitude. It was comfort for me.

Then came the time of the Internet. You see, I grew up with nokia phones, no phones, board games and a playground every afternoon. It was at 14 when I started feeling that I was being percieved. Later I found that I hate being percieved. It was all about how many friends you had, how well you blended in with everyone your age. If you were somewhat different, boom, you were getting picked on. You know, there was a time where I was so self conscious. I got sucked in too. I wanted to be just like everybody else. Started to worry about my looks, number of my friends, followers, brand of clothes. For me, weight was the worst. But you know the story: bit chubby girls starts losing weight, likes it, loses more and is suddenly anorexic. Well, that was me. I haven't even introduced myself. I am Cara, and I'm 17. After coming out of anorexia, I was still brainwashed to believe in those stupid standards. And that just kept escalating to a breaking point.

I am in a maths specialized school. Which means a lot of numbers statistics and logical thinking. But I am good with logic anyways. In bio, we dissected a pig heart which was mesmerizing. To me atleast. I like seeing how the body works. It is wonderous. PE was a lot of fun surprisingly. We are doing handball for now, and I used to play it when I was small. I stopped competetively doing it because my teammates were bullying me and the matches were too stressful. So I am good at it. Finally at something. After school I went back to my dorm. Also, I live in a dorm during the week. I have one roommate, Lilah. I scrolled on Insta for approximately 1 hour then I took a nap. I always do when I have time. School just drains me and suck the energy out of me. Tomorrow we have a phisycs test, so I will study for that from 7 to 8. And I also need to do an essay for my English class.