-- tell me.

Prologue II

Before the second part of the prologue begins, i'd like to give a big disclaimer to those who have Internalized homophobia as a queer person and have to live alongside it, please know that you are a beautiful human being for loving who you love, never think you are anything less than a work of art. 

This chapter will be touching on heavy topics such as Internalized homophobia, panic attacks, depression and a vomiting scene is present so if you are squeamish or sensitive to said topics, i advise you to not read ahead until the italicized text stops. (Asterisks will also be inserted) There will be some dialogue that will not be in italics because I believe they are important.

Thank you for you time. Enjoy.

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"What. What the hell?"

You stared at the figure with huge round shocked eyes and it stared right back at you. Making an erratic turn to the door, you swing it open, take a huge step out the door with shoes clumsily thrown on your feet and shut it back up. 

What the hell...

What THE HELL was THAT??

This apartment CANNOT be haunted, right? Maybe it was an old curtain. Come on. be realistic. 

You slid down the railings right outside your apartment  and pulled on the hair on your head  slowly developing into roughly massaging your scalp. You didn't even care for ghost, ghouls, and goblins or any of the sorts. However, you also weren't a nay-sayer of the paranormal, not with the many stories and videos you saw on online forums and from your family. Letting out an exasperated sigh, you got back up on both feet and decided to take a brave peek inside. Low and behold, it was indeed just your mind playing tricks on you! You shivered and went back inside your humble abode. The rest of the night was a peaceful rendering of your usual night routine; eating dinner, taking a quick shower, reading, and the newest addition to your nightly routine, meditating. You read an online blog a few months ago that mentioned meditation as a type of body calibration, the calibration of wellbeing and energy. Despite some comments definitely had some doubts,however, you thought it was revolutionary. You felt yourself becoming a calmer much more worryless person each day.

Ever since you were a toddler, you've always been a nervous child, always abiding to rules, not daring to break them. Tracing back to your childhood, your mother always seemed the helicopter parent type. You suppose her intense worry for you manifested within yourself. you were so conditioned to having someone on your ass all the time, you forgot what it meant to live life. For that reason, many kids had a hard time trying to connect with you and vice versa, you were just too much. Once you began secondary school, you began to act out in order to get over your fear of... well, fear. You often put yourself and your copious amounts  of "friends" in grave danger, all in the name of having fun.

One friend  in particular haunted your thoughts and memories. 

Cicadas were chirping loudly, the sun was blazing and you unbuttoned  enough of your white button down to have some ventilation but not enough to show off anything under the shirt. Beside you, your closest friend lit up an Eight Stars branded cigarette. You exchanged a small look with her, like a pleading puppy and she smiled softly at your silliness. She didn't hesitate to hand the stick over. You took a drag of  a cigarette your Jun had already been sucking the bitter smoke from and exhaled contently.

You two were skipping your math class without your usual group of friends. Being alone with Jun, with her, felt so right for some reason. You wanted to spend the rest of your years with this girl. you were sure of it. Your mind often wandered off to scenes of you and her  kissing you with her chapped , puffy, lips and  holding your waist while you ran your hands under her uniform shirt, along her sides. 

Jun turned to look at you for a while while you finished off the cigarette and opened her mouth, closed it, then opened it again as if she was deciding whether or not to say her next words. Then, she smiled while biting her peachy lips and huffed out all her worries deciding to speak her mind.

"I like you."    

Hesitation. 

"...me too, Jun."  

A melancholy smile.

"N...No. I like-like you"  

Silence. 

"Y/N?"

***

You stared at her in horror. You were scared. You felt your progress, your courage, seep out of your mouth like the smoke you just exhaled. You fled down the stairs, tripping in the process, spraining your ankle but the adrenaline was too high to even feel pain so you ran until you found the bathroom. Rushing inside a stall you were hunched over the toilet and tensed up as you discarded your feelings inside the toilet bowl. Your head was pounding, you tried to gasp for air but your body wasn't done letting go of  your blasphemous idea of love. You felt  as if your eyes were going to pop right off, everything was pulsating, your throat was burning, tears felt like hot magma. a voice was trying to talk to you on the other side of your stall but you couldn't answer. only meaningless babbles came out of your tired mouth. 

The air was suddenly knocked out of you.

You didn't realize you had passed out from a panic attack until you woke up in the school's infirmary . Your parents were called and you went home for the remaining of the day. That day was the day you came out to your parents. You weren't ready. Neither were your parents. The rest of the week, Jun had been avoiding you. You wanted to kiss her fingers , all over her face and tell her its okay, please forgive me, i love you, i love you, please, honey, dont  ignore me, i need you too. 

Months turned into a jail, your bed turned into your shackles and the schoolwork piled on and on. Despite your rebellious actions, you were still concerned about your grades in school, you couldn't let down your parents, However it was different with Jun's absence in your life . You had absolutely no motivation to do anything. Talking to your friends and family became more like a chore, staying in your room was the only solution to everything. you became bitter and shut off from the world . you lived in your own little bubble.

***

After summer break, you never heard from Jun, your first girl crush and your last, you hoped. Not because you stopped liking girls but because you didn't want to feel the heartbreak again. Moving on was so very hard but it was possible. Your older brother although not understanding what it was like for you, came through, he saw how your pain affected you and tried to comfort you the best he could. You really appreciated your brother and all of what he did for you.

You sighed laying on your futon and kicked around in the sheets, excited to go to bed and get a proper wink of sleep and leaned over to turn off the lights. As soon as you got comfortable in the dark room, a small click from the lamp beside you was heard and you opened your eyes confused. Again you turned the light off and ignored many freaky events that happened for the rest of the night. You have a big day tomorrow and you wanted to make sure you got a job to pay off this new cozy apartment.

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GOOD evening 

doomed yuri  ... save me,,, please, save me doomed yuri...