Never. That's a pretty strong word. Never. There's something scary about it. The fact that something isn't going to happen. Not now, not then, and certainly not ever again. It reinforces the idea that we have to live the life we're given. And there's also something reassuring about it. There's a sense of reassurance that there's nothing to fear. Because it'll never happen again. But there, now, said like that... pronounced by that mouth, in that context... how can I put it... it hurts. It really hurts. And I wan't to die. And I want to sleep as well. And to cry too. I want to ask again, just to be sure. But no... "Never". And I... I want to ask again... "Do you love me?"
-Never...
-...
-I mean, I'd never be able to really attach myself to you. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much time I spend with you, I'll never be able to love you the way other people love their children. I could never take you to the park, never bring you a snack, never go to school to pick you up. Not you. I can't do it. You can't.
-...
-Don't cry, you'll stain your shirt.
-I... I'm not crying.
I wipe the tears from my eyes with the back of my hand and wipe them on my back, hiding my hands. Without a word, I climb the stairs and collapse into bed. But the walls are all tinged with missed memories, hopes of stories never realized. Here, she could have given me a hug. And here, we could have talked about anything and everything. And then here, in this empty frame, I could have put a photo of the two of us laughing. But nothing. "Never". So, I open the window and pass the top of the body. With tear-wet fingertips, I hoist myself onto the terrace, the white ground empty of missed hopes.
I sit on the ledge, staring out into the night of my city. In a way, I think my goal all along was to jump. But now my brain is starting to think again. And I realize that if I jumped, all it would do is prove her right. Admit that I'm worthless. That no one is there to break my fall. But I'm here. And besides, I'm going to promise myself something. From now on, no more missed memories, no more dashed hopes. Just me. And one day, maybe one day, someone. But until then, just me. So now I'm going to go back into the living room and stand proud. Prove to her that "never" will she reach me.
I'm ready to turn around and climb down through the window. But while my foot is already on the sill of my bed, her silhouette appears on the terrace. "My mother". And suddenly, I forget everything. I reach out for her, she reaches out for me; I surrender to her arms, my eyes closed. But my hand closes on the nothingness.
And I topple into the void.
