Laced

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

Nambitha Zungu

We are going to fetch Muzi from rehab today. Zuzile tells me that he’s excited to be coming back.
Believe it or not, I haven’t seen him since that day I went to bring him food. Zuzile thought it was for the best that I don’t see him, so she has been the one travelling these two hours at least three times a week to go see him and bring him a home cooked meal.
She had to explain to him that I wasn’t feeling very well hence I had to move to her house for the time being, but she didn’t go into detail. Whenever she was there, they would video call me and we would talk for hours.
Guilt always consumed me whenever he told me he loved me and that he missed me; I still couldn’t say the ‘L’ word back. I’ve been dreading seeing him today, I don’t know how to face him. If there is one thing that Zuzile drilled into my head, it’s the fact that I should not breathe a word to him about what happened: both the pregnancy and my whorish ways.
The Mfusi’s; the other ones…they moved to Johannesburg permanently. There is no more back and forth between here and there. They really want nothing to do with me, and I get them. I also don’t want anything to do with them. It’s for the best that things remain the way they are currently.
I’m sitting in the car waiting for Zuzile to come back from the garage, as she was getting us water for the road. She’s a fast driver, we are almost halfway there in just over an hour. It’s been an awkward drive though because she’s not as buddy buddy with me like is she used to. Our relationship isn’t the same anymore, but because Mr Mfusi doesn’t know what happened with Mvelo and Christine, we have to pretend to be okay when we are in his presence.
She comes back in the car and instead of starting it, she sits quietly, leaning against the steering wheel. I don’t know what’s going on with her, she looks like she’s battling something but I’m too afraid to ask what it is that’s eating her up.
“How are you feeling?” she speaks without lifting her head.
Is she asking me?
“Me?” I stupidly ask.
“No, the one behind you, obviously I mean you.” I clear my throat.
Yeah, I’m not her favourite person.
“I’m okay Ma.” I don’t know how she expects me to answer the question.
She lifts her head and stares at me.
“Nambitha this is the opportunity for you to tell me how you really feel. So don’t tell me you are just okay.” I scratch my head and sigh.
Do I even know how I feel?
“I’m scared, I’m scared about facing Muzi. I’m afraid to look him in the eyes and lie to him. I feel like I don’t deserve him, and I don’t deserve his love. And I know I landed myself in this puddle with my reckless actions, but it’s all just getting a little too much for me to handle and I don’t know what to do. I won’t be able to live with myself knowing our happiness is built on a foundation of lies.” I bear my heart out.
She rotates her whole body and looks at me intently.
“So, you want to tell him the truth? Are you ready for that?” she asks in a serious tone.
I don’t know what I want to do.
“I think you don’t have to make this decision now. You don’t know how he will react to this, and the last thing we need is for him to relapse when he’s done so well for himself. If you want to tell him, that’s your decision, and I can’t stop you from doing it, just don’t do it now, for his well-being. Go on this holiday, it’s just a week away from the stress. You both need it to cool off, you’ve been through so much. And when you come back, you both will attend therapy, both separately and together as a couple. It will help you guys.” this therapy talk bores me.
Therapy doesn’t work. I’ve been there, I’ve done it and here I am, still the most fucked up human being, battling skeletons in the darkness.
“Listen to me Nambitha sisi, sometimes you have to make sacrifices. If you want your marriage to work, you will make this compromise and go to therapy to save your marriage. If you don’t, tell Muzi now before he invests his heart more than he already has and leave him the fuck alone.” maybe he’s better off without me then.
“Think about it.” she says and starts the car.
I’m literally stuck between a rock and a hard place.