Dazai seemed to be constantly changing. His definition of self was shaky, trembling like a leaf in the wind whenever he faced a situation that needed him to adapt. He didn't know who he was more than anyone else did. Oda had told him to be a good man, giving Dazai a purpose behind his actions. Dazai was grateful that in helping others, life seemed to be more bearable.
It was hard to realize, and it took time, but he was glad to have grown. To have gotten better.
However, for some reason, he couldn't shake the feeling that he didn't deserve any of this. He knew how hard he worked to change, to try and feel some sense of humanity, but the more he tried, the harder it was to forgive himself for the things he'd done.
Dazai secluded himself from celebrations with the agency, mainly to try and avoid the heartache that came with seeing everyone so happy when Dazai struggled so hard with it. He knew that lying about his mental state was wrong, but he couldn't help putting up that silly front for everyone. Dazai was grateful that at least now, his lighthearted nature was becoming more genuine. This just made his low points feel even lower.
Still, despite all the ways he'd changed, his self destructive tendencies remained. He knew it was wrong, but he couldn't help it. He couldn't stop the itch that made his forearms ache and captivated his brain.
As Dazai lay on his bed, he felt himself begin to spiral. Thinking of his past, his decisions, he couldn't help that sinking feeling in his chest. He couldn't help but feel guilty.
Dazai rubbed at his forearms, reminding himself of all the times he'd atoned for his crimes against his own humanity. He just wanted to be someone people could look up to. The person Oda wanted him to be. There was no way he'd done enough to atone. He deserved to suffer.
He deserved every bit of guilt he felt and more. He had to make up for all the times he didn't feel guilt or remorse at all. Dazai ripped off the bandages, needing to feel the bumps and lines littering his forearms.
Dazai could list everything wrong with him. He was well aware of it all, even if it was hard to change. He knew this particular habit was one of the more stubborn ones. It was pathetic. Others had it harder, starving in the streets or practically on the brink of death, but Dazai couldn't stop feeling sorry for himself. He hated it.
Absolutely pathetic. Dazai went to the bathroom to grab an extra shaving razor. Sigma was out, working a case with Atsushi or something. Rooming with Sigma had definitely disrupted his destructive habits, but there were times that he just couldn't take it anymore.
Dazai was tired of being hung up in the past. Everything he'd done, good and bad, weighed on his mind so heavily. The need to feel guilty about the bad and the responsibility to continue the good. Dazai needed to focus on something else. Something real.
Dazai cut the first line on an open spot of his scar-riddled arms. Blood pricked up in spots before running down his arm. He breathed out a sigh of relief and cut another line, just below the first. No matter how he felt, he could always reset his mind with this.
It was a fucked up way of coping. It was destructive, and definitely not healthy. But it was his. Dazai's attachment to self destruction felt as ingrained in him as Kunikida and his ideals.
He kept going, knowing he couldn't change this part of himself. Deep down, he didn't want to. Dazai found himself sinking deeper in self pity, allowing himself to feel more and more miserable. It's what he deserved. He deserved to be marred and broken, isolated from the world.
Dazai sighed, thinking about this. Was he really trying to hide from everyone? His constant smile and goofy front certainly threw people off, but the bandages were more of a cry for help than Dazai really cared to admit. He was just hoping, waiting for someone to notice and ask him if he was ok. Even if Dazai pushed them away and said he was fine, he just wanted to feel like someone cared. Dazai felt a few tears fall, and he tossed the blade onto the sink, blood dripping from his arm.
Suddenly, the lock clicked and the front door opened.
Sigma was back.
Dazai scrambled to put away the blade and clean up, closing the door. He could hear Sigma making his way through the apartment.
"Dazai? Where are you?" Sigma's voice was quiet, far away. Not to cause concern, Dazai answered.
"I'm just in the bathroom!" Dazai was relieved, his voice seemed normal enough. He cleaned everything up and realized he left his bandages in the bedroom. Fuck.
Sigma was making his way over to the bathroom too. Dazai knew he'd caught a glimpse of his arms before, but he'd never had them on full display like this, and it was obvious he'd just cut himself. Sigma knocked on the door, surprising Dazai.
"Are you ok? Your bandages are in the bedroom, but you haven't taken a shower, given the lack of humidity by the bathroom. I know you take your showers steaming hot." Sigma said through the door, making Dazai chuckle.
"You're becoming quite the detective." Dazai hesitated, looking in the mirror. His eyes were red from crying, which accentuated the dark circles under his eyes. He unlocked the door and opened it slowly, hiding the bleeding arm and resting on the open door. A look of concern immediately washed over Sigma's face. He'd never seen Dazai like this.
"Dazai... are you ok?" Sigma's voice was soft and caring, so genuine. Dazai couldn't stop the tears that fell.
"Yeah... I'm fine." Dazai chuckled, making Sigma frown.
"Clearly you're not! Don't lie to me like that!" Sigma grabbed Dazai's free hand, meaning to drag him off somewhere, but then he noticed the lack of bandages. And was what was underneath. He was littered with scars, most on purpose, some accidental. There were a huge range of sizes, from small thin lines, to the showstoppers. Dark red long scars that ran down the length of both his forearms. Sigma hesitated, looking at the arm, and Dazai almost pulled away and locked himself in the bathroom. But he didn't.
Instead, he stood there as Sigma processed what he was seeing and pulled Dazai into a hug. Dazai was shocked. He annoyed Sigma, just as he did Kunikida and Chuuya, but Sigma always seemed to be nicer to him. More patient. He really was a good person. Dazai pulled back, not wanting to ruin Sigma's clothes with his blood. Sigma was confused until he saw Dazai's other arm.
"Oh! Let's get that cleaned up." Sigma's voice was shaky, nervous, but trying to hold it together. Dazai was filled with shame. He backed away.
"No..." Dazai couldn't let Sigma take care of him like this. Sigma had dealt with enough. Dazai didn't need his shitty mental health to add on to that. "I can do it. Just get my bandages from the bathroom." Dazai ordered him, pushing him away and shutting the door.
Fuck. Dazai hated that he pushed everyone away like this, but he couldn't let anyone get close. Not when he hurt everyone that did. Dazai leaned against the counter, nauseous.
Suddenly Sigma burst in through the door. He carried in the bandages, determined.
"Stop feeling sorry for yourself! Dazai, don't think I don't see when you start getting sad and isolate yourself! Stop pushing everyone away!" Sigma berated him, upset. "Stop pushing me away." Sigma had tears in his eyes. Dazai could hardly believe it.
"Atsushi told me that you once said self pity would make life an endless nightmare... you've fallen into that trap, haven't you?" Sigma's voice was softer, and Dazai felt the tears well up in his own eyes. He had no idea how much Sigma had really noticed.
"I..." Dazai felt the tears fall. Sigma sighed.
"Dazai... it's ok. You don't have to be perfect. You don't need to be happy all the time." Sigma took a step closer. Dazai didn't move away.
"But... there's nothing to be sad about." Dazai whispered. He looked up at Sigma. "Is there something wrong with me?" Sigma suddenly pulled him into a hug.
"No. There's nothing wrong with you." Sigma whispered. Dazai finally relaxed into the hug. Sigma smelled nice and clean, it was comforting. Dazai didn't know why he resisted this for so long.
"I just want to help. I don't want to be a burden on anyone. But... I upset you." Dazai mumbled, making Sigma chuckle slightly. He pulled back, pushing hair out of Dazai's face.
"Stop feeling so guilty. You're only human."
