Irgendein Schweiß🌝✌️

25.

So hello this is the whole story

I think I'm depressed since last summer and I thought that this was just a phase but I think it wasn't.... Because now I'm cutting myself for no reason.... I had a panic attack yesterday, in the first break, before the lesson began....this guy talked to me and I didn't answer because I was tired and I wanted to sleep... But then this son of a motherfucker took sth out of my backpack and I held him on the hood of his sweater then he put it on my table... And said to me : 'You almost strangled me, you have a problem, an aggression problem' and I put my head on my and my Bff's table and cried than, lucky me, my Best friend came in and asked me what's wrong, I just twitched my shoulder, then she asked 'Mental breakdown?' I just nodded. Then she asked me if I wanted to go to the toilet with her and I nodded again she took my hand and we went out of our classroom. But outside the classroom, were really much people and I stormed to the toilets, where I went in one of the cabins and closed the door of it. Then my best friend came into the toilet and asked me if I want to tell her what happened I just stayed silent. So she said do you want to go out? I shook my head, she didn't hear it but I think she kinda feel it. Then she said 'at least open the door?' and I opened the door to the toilet cabin, but I stayed at my place on the floor, then she came in and closed the door again. She hugged me, I felt safe and comfortable in her arms, then she asked me 'Panic attack?' I just twitched my shoulders again. Than when my tears were a bit lower we went out of the cabin and some of my class and other classes came in one of the girls was like 'Hey is everything good?' my bff then said "she has/had an panic attack" and the other girl was like "oh".

Then in the class we went to our place and my Best friend said that the others have to be silent. An other girl came and asked me "hey is everything ok?" My best friend explained the situation. When I calmed down an boy came to me and asked if everything is good, I just nodded.

And that all because of that guy...

And today I had two fucking breakdowns, almost three, one in the first lesson because we read sth in our "books" we have got from school and I had to read but I couldn't because I couldn't hold back my tears anymore and they just run all over my face. And some guy told me what I have to say and how to pronounce it but I couldn't speak anymore then my teacher asked me if I want to read, I shook my head.

In the break after our German lesson I wanted to go to the toilet to have some space for me, but when I asked her (my teacher) she asked me if I was crying bc of the mistakes you can do when you read. I just twitched my shoulders (again) at this moment I wanted to go to the kitchen we have in our school grab an knife and stab it in me but I couldn't... Or at least cut myself. And on the toilet there were so many people and stuff I went to one of the cabins and calmed down. And went straight (after washing my hands) back to class then we had English and I almost got an second mental breakdown but I could hold it back.

In the fourth lesson we had I cried again bc that guy (on the beginning) wanted to take my things but then some of the girls in my maths group (btw she's loud but SO KIND<3) said to him that I'm not feeling good today and that he should stop, a couple of seconds, minutes after that the maths teacher said that he should go back to his seat, bc she has to concentrate to correct our 'Examples of the week' (this was my second mental breakdown almost 3rd because of the English lesson) so yeah....

Then we had religion, my bff asked me if I have depression, I know that I have it but I said dunno know🤷 I'm not telling her about my feelings because first of all: I don't know how to describe my feelings, secondly I don't want her to be worried about me bc I think I don't deserve that, I deserve pain and no feelings, even dead...

Yeah that was it bye... And also I feel like my Gf wants to break up with me.... I'm writing with her tomorrow when I don't forget about it and after that I'm telling you guys how it went.

Good night