Here Lies Love

ONE: THEO

With every moment that I look back from my past self, I wonder if what I'm doing would all be worth it. Kung ang ginagawa ko ba ay para sa sarili ko o para nalang sa dignidad ng pamilya ko at ikatutuwa ng mga magulang ko, kaya siguro wala akong love life kasi masyado akong busy para lumandi. Pero kung papalarin gusto ko rin naman ng ganon, sino ba namang hindi ma i-inggit sa mga mag jowang naghaharutan sa harap at giliran mo pag nasa school o jeep ka. But at this point i'm probably more likely to focus on studying rather than flirting with guys like people my age. My mother works as a nurse and my father is jobless, but he has a business which is where his money comes from. We aren't poor, nor are we rich.

Every expectations are focused on me as if every bit of the spotlight points to my every step. They cling on to me thinking i'm the one who could give everyone a better life, and I have no problems against that. Anak nila ako and its part of my obligation to help them, its just that everyone clings on to me. Everyone expects something big from me, but to whom do I cling on to? I've tried so hard to be the best yet in the eyes of my parents I was just good. Everything, I'm constantly trying everything to avoid being the family burden and yet constantly, I still feel like one. Are a hundred medals not enough? Are 10 certificates that show all my achievements not enough? Will I ever be enough?

It's already 1 am and I still haven't finished the essay that my philosophy teacher gave me, I feel uninspired. Wala akong gana mag sulat pero kailangan kong pumasa. I honestly hate that I'm studying under HUMSS, this wasn't my dream course. My dream was to become a doctor, but since I have to continue certain family heritage my father wanted me to become a lawyer. We are a family of lawyers, halos lahat ng kamag anak ko ay abogado and only the ones brave enough para suwayin ang mga magulang nila ang grumaduate ng iba ang course. In my condition, i'm not that brave enough para suwayin ang magulang ko. Don't get me wrong maraming beses ko nang binigay ang mga reasons why I wanted to go to med school. Repeatedly, my parents all said the same thing 'kung ayaw mo yung course mo lumayas ka dito at maghanap ng trabaho mo'. Sa totoo lang kung meron lang talaga akong lakas ng loob para gawin yun, ginawa ko na. I would have walked out that door and kissed my ass goodbye from that house and my parents. But I didn't, I chose to stay because I felt like I had to, not because I wanted to. Staying here felt more like an obligation rather than something I wanted, I stayed here because I didn't want to be called ungrateful. I'm trying my best to keep up, to pick myself up, but the moment I step into a quiet room everything haunts me.

My mom calls my name out from upstairs. She invited me for breakfast but I declined, it's already late wala na akong oras para mag breakfast. In our house, it's either a curse or a blessing to eat at the dining table with my parents. When you say the word dining table, you feel a sense of comfort, somewhat senseful talking and chatting. On good days our house was like that, the normal dinner routine; talking, eating, asking how our days went, stuff like that. In bad times it was the opposite, it was mostly quiet- the kind of silence you don't want to hear- and if there was noise, it was the worst kind of noise. Yelling, banging on the table, at pag dabog ng upuan o lamesa, these are the daily things that I encounter sa hapag kainan. You may think taht just because this has happened daily in my household it means that im used to it? The answer is no, and Ill never get used to it. It will always disturb me, it will always haunt me.

I got out of the house and immediately went to the bus stop para mag hintay ng bus papunta ng eskwelahan. Sakto, pag dating na pagdating ko doon ay may bus na nag hihintay para sa pasahero
***
    Ilang beses na kaming palabas labas ni Martin sa classroom. Vacant kami ngayon, at inaatake nanaman kami ng boredom. At dahil si Martin ang kasama ko hindi pewedeng hindi siya dumadaan ng court at canteen. Dumadaan kami sa canteen dahil pag bored kami nagugutom kami. Dumadaan kami sa court dahil nag hahanap nanaman ng pogi si Martin dun, tapos ako naman nahahawa ako sa kalandian niya. Like I said I wasnt interested in relationships pero dahil sakanya nakikiharot na rin ako pag nag haharot siya.

"Beh! Kung sino man maka salubong natin sa hagdan na lalaki yun ang forever mo"

"Para kang tanga, ang kulit mo eh Bumababa ng hagdan nag haharot"

"Sungit ah, may dalaw ka ngayon?"

" Ewan ko sayo"

Pababa na kami nun papuntang canteen nung biglang mag salubong kami ng isang lalaki. Hindi siya katangkaran at moreno siya. Lumingon ako kay Martin at nakangiti na nanaman ang hayop, hindi sa lalaki, kundi sakin (may balak nanaman to).
Tama nga yung hula ko, dahil nung mag lapit na kami ng lalaki ay tinulak niya ako, muntik na ako tumalisod kung hindi ko lang nahawakan yung grills ng hagdan. Patawa tawa siya sa likod ko, samantalang pangiti ngiti lang ang lalaki sa harap ko. Tutulungan niya dapat ako, ngunit nung nakita niyang naka hawak na ko sa grills ay nginitian niya na lang ako.

"Ang harot mo talaga!" inis kong sambit sakanya

" Sus! Kunwari di nagustuhan"

" Eh pano kung dumiretso ako ng hagdan?!"

" Di yan sasaluhin ka naman ni kuya eh"

"Gago ka talaga"

" Varsity yun alam mo ba"

" Ng ano?"

"Secret, naiinis ka sakin diba" sambit niya habang nakangiti saakin na para bang nang iinis lalo.