Here Lies Love

THREE: THEO

I couldn't help but constantly think about that interaction. Maybe I really do like him, may jowa na kaya siya? Ano kaya first impression niya sakin? And most importantly is he straight? Buong period ng klase namin ako nakangiti after that small interaction. Ang weird how with one simple move or glimpse he made a small dent in my heart. Siguro may mga tao lang talaga na ganon ka talented, with one smile or gesture they can make you fall for them without them knowing that you fell for that person.

Umalis na Si maam cruz sa room, waiting na kami sa next period nung biglang may kumatok sa pinto namin. Mga basketball players na nanghihingi ng donation para sa liga nila, lumapit ang lalaki sa taong nakaupo sa harapan ko at nanlimos ng barya tumanggi ito at nag hanap ng ibang tao na mahihingan.

"Pre! Tara na wala naman atang mag bibigay eh" sambit ng isang lalaki sa may pinto. It was a familiar voice -I thought- and when I turned around its him, Andy was standing at our door smiling and giggling with his friend. Tumalikod na ang lalaki mula saamin at akmang lalabas na. Nag mamadali akong dumukot ng fifty pesos mula sa wallet ko.

"Kuya oh!" sigaw ko, sabay lagay ng singkwenta sa sisidlan ng ice cream na ginawang donation box. Tinignan ako ni Martin ng magkasalubong ang kilay at naka pamewang. Mukhang hindi maganda ang timpla, nag papalibre kasi siya kanina tapos sabi ko wala akong pera dahil ang natitira kong pera ay pamasahe nalang. Pero sa totoo lang may pera ak, ayaw ko lang manlibre dahil buraot si Martin.

"Wow ha may pambigay ng singkwenta pag andyan yung crush niya samantalang pag ako nag ppalibre ng kahit smpung pisong fish ball lang sa labas di mo man lang ako mabigyan!?" sambit niya sabay irap saakin.

"Ang takaw mo kasi kaya di na kita bigyan, tsaka alam naman nating gagamitin nila sa maganda yung dinonate natin na pera"

"Wow ha? May pake ka pala sa kabutihan? Kelan pa?"

" Pake mo ba? Lilibre sana kita sa labas mamaya kaso wag nalang"

"Eto naman di ma biro, sige na mag bigay ka na ulit sakanya"

The second na maabot ko sakanila yung pera he turns his back from me walks away from the door, and then stops. He turns around and whispers 'Thank you', smiling again at me. The yellow-orange tint of light shines across his face, it's now that I notice that his brows are slightly thick. He looked like something that came out of a movie. Immediately, I felt heat running through my cheeks. Everything went silent and I heard the deep and fast beating of my heart as he walked away from our door. Am I in love? Cause if I am, I think I've fallen hard for this man. Weirdly, I could easily fall for him without him doing anything, he was effortlessly attractive. Like he can walk into the room of a milling people and instantly charm everyone. I can never be like that, I can never be effortlessly attractive. No effort can make up for how I look. I'm not saying I'm ugly, I just find myself unattractive.

Martin looked at me as I stared at the wall. I was daydreaming (nababaliw na ata ako). Siniko niya ko tsaka ako inirapan, tinatawag na pala yung pangalan ko kanina pa sa attendance ni Maam Reyes. Inangat ko ang aking kamay sabay sabi ng 'present', everyone was already looking at me as if I had three heads. Ganon na ba ko katagal hindi nag re-respond kay maam para isipin nilang tanga o bingi ako?

"Gaga anong present" bulong sakin ni Martin sabay hampas sa braso ko "grouping to, nag he-head count tanga"

"Ano number ko?"

"Two, yan lalaki pa"

"Two po" sigaw ko sabay turo ng ibang studyante si Maam. Kaya apal nag sisi tinginan saakin. Nakakahiya shet.

***

Walking towards the door, I fight the urge not to leave the doorstep at umuwi na lang mamayang gabi. Its been a stressful week for me and since wala naman sila Dad, maybe I can hang out and have fun sa bahay nila Martin for this once. But then naalala ko andito pala yung mga kapatid ko, wala yung tsinelas ni Aling Linda which mean walang nag babantay sakanila ngayon. Its likely na iniwan silang tulog ni Mom kaya walang maingay sa loob ng bahay ngayon, or maybe they are distracted by something. I get the keys from my pockets and put them in the key socket. The door opened before I could even hold the door knob. It was Zaidy who opened the door, she was smiling and giggling, her eyes looking bright. She is my youngest sister, ten years younger than me. Her small hands hold mine as she pulls me inside. I push the door habang kinakaladkad niya ko papunta sa living room. As she pulled me in, I already saw the glimpse of where this was going. She made me look at the project she made at school. I feel like my sister has the same attitude as me, she likes the feeling of being praised and applauded because that's the only way she could feel like what she did was well accepted and appreciated. It was a house made of popsicle sticks, it had flowers made from paper and grass at the bottom. Honestly if you were to look at it, it doesn't look like something that came from a seven year old kid. Bata palang siya and I already see her creativity. I think she also got that from me because when she was five, I used to bond with her in making crafts while watching tutorials on youtube.

She was smiling when she presented her work. She was proud of it, you could tell just by her smile.

"Wow, good job!" I say, she let out the biggest smile I ever saw in my life. "Asan si kuya ricky mo?"

"Nasa taas po" she says in a very cute voice. I go up and immediately went inside my room. Nilapag ko yung bag ko saa may gaming chair tapos lumabas na ako. I stopped by Ricky's room to see what he is doing, he was doing his assignment habang kinakamot ang ulo niya, mukhang hirap. I go near him and pat his back.

"Having a hard time?" I say in a soft voice, he nods at me and hugs me. I look down at him and he has a faint tear in his eyes.

"Kuya ayaw ko na" he cries, he has never been like this. Never have I seen him cry like this, maybe its too much for him.

"You know, I've said that more than just one time" I say while patting his hair. "Im just like you, I've always wanted to give up. Sometimes life will be unbearable, there will be more than just one time na di mo kakayanin lahat ng hirap na ilalagay niya sa mga balikat mo, but you know what? You keep going because pain and hardships will always be a part of our life, pain is constant at wala kang magagawa dun. But no matter how it hurts, no matter how hard it is. You don't ever show how much that pain has been hurting you because you are strong. It's fine to cry and show vulnerability, but you always fight back. Life is full of shit, it's either you fight or you cry."

Muntik na rin ako maiyak sa sinabi ko, because what I said was the opposite of me, i've always wanted to give up. All my life I've been putting up a fight just to satisfy every fucking expectation that everyone has put up on me. I'm so sick of it that I want to throw every medal and say "THIS WASN'T FOR ME! THIS WAS ALL FOR YOU!" There has always been a rage in me. I just didn't want to bring it out because I don't want to be the disrespectful child that everyone disgusts.