Divided

I Screwed Myself

I can no longer smile like I used to

I'm not the same person that loved him right?

But

Once on a February night I embraced that person who was falling apart.

When I say embraced do I mean embraced, sex, lovemaking. This beautiful brunette that was underneath me what seems like every night since then. That one who made me no longer able to sleep in my bed again because his scent would seep into me. Then there's me who knew I couldn't have him to myself. Believe me I knew I'd never truly have him to myself that's truly all there is. After all I lost my chance for that long ago being passive, and feeling too worthless. I was assuming someone better would come, and I couldn't even be dumbfounded when they did.

When the woman once he loved shattered him, and his shell along with him leaving him bare he came to me because he knew that he could count on me.


We were just like that. With us there wasn't a face we made to one another that we couldn't read, and there wasn't an emotion that we couldn't relate to in one another our pain didn't know words, and while we had our differences in outlet I cut it out with razors and he with metaphoric words the two of us did so to try and make it understandable to ourselves, to the world we could see it clear as day without all that when we were together.

I loved him.
However, he found someone else, and that night we shared was over. I couldn't let go of the love I had a taste of. Honestly, to taste was the end of me.

.....

I'm a songwriter, a poet so I can be as melodramatic as I please when I say that Ruki is the object of my utter torment when it comes to my love life. The colorful swallowtail butterfly that I want to consume till there's nothing left. Months have passed since that night literally fucking months since we were together, and slowly I've been losing myself in trying to deny the taste of the feelings that I got a hold of. I can write all the songs I please, but I can't get it out like I could if I just told him. or even if I just let him go. Hell honestly, even staying away from him could help, but I can't how can I? When we already agreed that we'd be fine. Besides, he was so vigorously chasing after you with a warm smile and a bass line that made you smile oh so honestly.

I can no longer smile like I used to.

I can't love you like he can. I've lost myself, the person that you could love that you could let all of your pain and your joy out to. I won't receive it, I won't comprehend it, and I won't treasure it he's the one that you need I told you that once before...I stared right back at those uncovered hazel eyes that had those brunette fringes falling perfectly yet annoyingly to cover one side of that ethereal face of yours. A face that I spat utter lies into when I told you that I loved you, but didn't need you to keep those feelings that I didn't want yours, and that I couldn't handle them.Like the heavenly body that you are I watched the light engulf you away when you opened that door to leave that day.

However, because you and I were so close we stayed friends. We defined what that night meant for us right? So it didn't matter. Ruki, you should know that because I love you I tolerate as best I can the fact that you bloom into happiness again right in front of me. I don't like uttering his name, but at night I cringe with depression around 3 am, you know it well that time of the night that loves to hear your secrets, and sink into the fact that you're probably spending the night moaning that name that I choke on.