I'm afraid to be vulnerable.
(I suppose that's an ironic first line as I'm about to be very vulnerable).
I used to feel comfortable with him and I lost that. He used to make me feel safe and secure enough to vent, to talk, to cry, to just be... now I can't cry anymore, I can't tell him anything that's going on with me... I'm afraid I'll scare him away. Then, I'll have no one again.
Isn't that so scary? You trust someone so heavily, you let them in, then something happens and you can't anymore and you're not sure what you say or do because you're just afraid you'll mess up more and push them away further. I just... I can't lose him but I feel like it's the beginning of the end. I've been so depressed lately. It all came back over time, then it all just hit me full force and when it did... he wasn't there to support me. Now, he says he will be, but I can't trust it.
What if he leaves again? What if it's permanent this time?
I don't think I can bear to start all over again; I don't think I can fall in love with someone new after this. I can't handle him being a stranger. I'm afraid that one day... he will be.
I hate this feeling. I'm sinking all over again. The panic attacks are back, the sleepless nights, the crying, the anxiety, the 'what if's, the constant worry, the feeling that no matter how much sleep I get... I'll always be tired. I don't know how much more of this feeling I can take.
I started to get better but ever since I got back home, with my mother, away from my friends and my partner... I've been slipping back into that depression I used to know so well.
I'm sorry if this makes no sense to you, we're strangers after all... maybe you'll understand the more you read, maybe you won't... who knows? I think I should go back a few paces... just a few for now. Sorry about the start.
I recently graduated from a boarding school. I lived in that city for six years. I inevitably built a life there: a life away from my mother.
My mother and I have a complicated relationship. I'd go back to wherever she was living at the time, every school holidays. I'd get there, this place that was 'home', and it'd all be so... uncomfortable. My mother has a temper, and she has a tendency to believe that no matter what, a). She's never in the wrong, b). Everyone else is against her, c). She's always the victim.
She's prone to unpredictable emotions, to throwing things, to yelling and verbally abusing whoever is in sight... or out of sight. She can be so... awful.
Moving back home after finishing high school was mandatory... and the only way to get back to my actual home, where I lived and learnt for six years, was to get into uni. I did... but now I have to play the waiting game. Waiting until uni started. Organizing it was all very painful; finding accommodation, getting my enrollment sorted, ensuring a job for when I did move... and even now, I'm still packing for the 'big move'.
Being home with my mother during this time has been even more stressful. She is getting meaner and meaner the more I grow up. No matter what, I've done something wrong.
Being away from my friends and boyfriend has made this even harder. I have no one to hold me, to cuddle me to sleep, to let me cry into their chest, or to cry with me. I have no one to play with my hair, to calm me, to whisper reassurance, to just... be there. I don't have an escape. I'm trapped with her.
As the days go by... I'm becoming more and more unstable; depressed, anxious, tired, physically worn out, suicidal, and prone to panic attacks. I even am becoming physically ill more often, and having more eczema breakouts.
No one is here to care for me, or love me. I'm alone. I only have one friend in my mother's town... and I worry I burden him too heavily. But... I genuinely have no one else to talk to.
I worry that if I talk to my boyfriend, he'll get upset himself. I'm worried he'll freak out and we'll have another 'incident' where he doesn't talk to me for a while. I know my crying makes him feel a certain way... he gets so stressed by it.
I just wish I could talk to him again... I used to be able to be vulnerable with him... but after the 'incident' a couple days ago... I'm afraid to say or do anything that'll upset him.
I don't want to lose him, I think that'd push me over the edge...
Anyway, this is probably all so convoluted now, I'd better leave this entry be now.
Bye,
L.
