Scenes From Things That Don't Exist

The Seat Next To Me (Book)

It's funny. I have never noticed him before. But, once I started to, I couldn't stop.

Alex Becker. We were seated alphabetically and he was the only kid who's last name started with a B, which I found weird. Though I don't think I could judge, I was the only kid who's last name started with a C. Due to our unusual names, we were seated next to each other. For a while, that was it. I had my group of friends, and he had his. Now, our teacher liked to crack jokes, and as students, we were obligated to laugh at them even if they weren't funny. It was just a usual day. Our teacher told us a joke and we laughed at it like always. Except for Alex. He didn't laugh at the joke. Instead, he raised his hand and when the teacher called on him, he said "I don't get it." The teacher tried to explain the joke and Alex, to my surprise, was listening intently. I couldn't pay attention to the lesson after that. My focus was on Alex the entire time.

My grades started to decline because my focus was on Alex most of the time. There were times when I tried my hardest to pay attention to the lesson, but my eyes would always slowly shift back to Alex. He intrigued me. I wanted to know more about him. What his favourite colour was, favourite food, aspirations for the future. And why, out of all the people in the class, why was it him that caught my attention. I studied him more than I studied my own textbook. If you asked me to write a 50-page essay about him, I probably couldn't because I suck at writing, but it felt like I knew that much about him. It was all just fascination at first. I wanted to know what made this person tick, what made him who he was. But, that changed. It changed in a way I didn't expect it to.

It was a warm day. I saw a red flower on my way to school and a couple of butterflies. I sat down in my spot and waited for Alex to enter and come sit next to me. He did enter, but when he did, there was a different air around him. He had a huge smile on his face and walked with a spring in his step. He took his seat next to me and I just stared. I stared at his grin and I thought to myself, "what could have caused his smile?" The things I paid attention to started changing. I began to notice how curly his hair was and how it was brown in the school light but golden in the sun. I started to notice how he had a gap in his two front teeth. He smiled at everyone, but when he smiled at me I felt myself get goosebumps and I was left wondering 2 things. "Was it a girl that caused his smile?" and "Could I make him smile like that?" The second thought turned my face red. I couldn't think like that. It wasn't right for me to think like that. Yet that thought followed me around throughout the school day and even followed home, up until I went to bed. That night, I dreamt about Alex and that gap in his smile.

Author's Note:
Found this old thing kicking around my drive. It was for a contest I entered into 4 years ago. I didn't win, which I'm not surprised about. I wrote this when I still considered myself an ally, but maybe this proved just how closeted I was.