Leo's Book Of Observations

entry 1811

Date: 27th November 1998

Age: 17 

Year: 7 

Hogwarts is so different. I don't know how I feel about it.

I don't mean the building is different. Abby, for some reason, was in charge of the rebuild and made all the buildings in Hogwarts exactly the same. Actually I think I know why. Abby has been at Hogwarts her whole life, she didn't even move while Hogwarts was being rebuilt and Skylar was in st mungos. No, Abby did stay in a tent on Hogwarts grounds. She's not even a student or teacher and she's still living at Hogwarts in the teacher wing. 

What I mean by Hogwarts is different is the people and overall feel of Hogwarts. 

There's not that many students here this year. Not everyone was sure Hogwarts would be rebuilt in time. Well it did open a month and half late. Some people still believed it was unsafe. Some people didn't want to come back because of the memories. I almost didn't come back because of the memories but I need my NEWT grades. So I understand why there's only a max of 40 to a year group except 1st year where there are only 10 kids. Everyone, including Sophia's year, had been given the option to redo last year and stay at Hogwarts at extra year. Only  a few people chose to do that, Neville included, but I didn't chose that. I just want to get my NEWTs and get away from all the memories of pain and lifeless bodies. 

There's no happiness at Hogwarts anymore. Just sadness and depression. Every part of Hogwarts brings back a different memory from the battle of Hogwarts. But each memory is horrible. There's always multiple people crying or having flashbacks now all over Hogwarts. Muggle raised 1st years must be so confused. They don't know anything about the war.  I can't sleep because of the memories from the war and because I'm haunted by the lifeless eyes of Roxie. I have taken to drinking multiple Peper up potions and spending the night reading or studying.  I know its dangerous but I can't risk sleeping. I can't risk waking up the whole of Ravenclaw by my screaming from the night terrors. Everyone at Hogwarts needs therapy but there isn't anyone who can give people therapy or counselling. 

So many fights keep happening. Ex death eaters vs ex order members. Light side students vs dark side students. The teachers are having to stop fights every day. Some of the fights are just vocal but most fights are physical. It's horrible. We just got out of a war. I don't want any more fighting!! 

I wasn't a death eater but I'm a Malfoy and because of that people are being horrible to me. Because me and Sophia were the only non death eaters of the family. The bulling is different all the time but it has thr dame themes. The themes are that: 

~ Me and my family are scum

~ Roxie shouldn't have been the only malfoy to die in the battle of Hogwarts 

~ i’m weak 

~ I am nothing.

~ I am ugly

I can't help but agree with the people. This is all true. I should be dead. Not Roxie. I am weak. I am nothing. Sophia and Roxie are the only members of the Malfoy family that don't deserve to be scum. I am ugly. I had to shave all my hair off so it would grow back because it was too burnt to leave ot how it is, i want my ponytail back, and I have a massive birn scar across my face. Neville always fights them on my behalf. He shouldn't though because they are true. I am all those things. 

There's no ghosts all around Hogwarts. Colin Creevry is one. Jazz became the new gryffindor ghost. But most of the gryffindors hate that fact. They are still madly in love with Sophia. They keep begging me to get Sophia to come see them. They say ots because they want to apologise but I don't think it is because she keeps telling the first years her version of everything and it's not correct. It makes everyone else a monster instead of her. 

While Skylar was helping rebuild Hogwarts, she put Roxie's portrait in the Hufflepuff common room. I try to visit it every day. Not all the Hufflepuffs like me though on the account I'm a Malfoy but there's some that like me and let me in. The portrait of Roxie was the last portrait painted of her. The one she got in summer last year. So she has all her memories except her death and her 7th year. Which is fine, she shouldn't have those memories. Roxie also got put on a chocolate frog like all the light side memories that died. Neville got me the card straight away.  I know it's not the same but I feel like Roxie is with me when I carry that card even if she isn't always in it. Sophia hasn't visited the portrait yet. I think Hogwarts has to many bad memories for her. I understand.  I also have bad memories here. I'm only here to get my NEWT grades so I can open my library.  

Neville has been a huge help. I know he has own things going on and he is grieving himself but he has been a massive help with everything. He keeps trying to take my peper up potions of me though. So I have to hide them. He doesn't understand that I can't sleep.  I just can't.  I can't see their faces anymore. I can't. I just can't.  

I can't wait to leave Hogwarts.