Dear Selena Gomez,
My real name is not Janice Riveria. Originally, l am from New Jersey but as of right now I live in Florida. I use this account when I get tired of seeing the same thing throughout my other feed or if I wanna share something about myself anonymously. The truth is that I'm not really a big fan of yours. But don't take this personally, because I'm not really a big fan of anyone. I'm not sure if it's because I feel I am too old to idolize other people such as celebrities(I'm only 27), or if it's because I'm too old to not realize there are better things in life than fame and fortune, and while I appreciate other people's talents and what they stand for, I don't think it's necessary to be so crazed over another person's life. That isn't to say that I don't like you more than I like Ariana Grande, or that I don't appreciate your songs more than I appreciate Taylor Swift's but it just means that I look at people as being people and I'm no more human than you are human. In the end, we are all only human beings, who are powerless and it's not going to matter whether when we die, how much money we have or what kind of things we own. Whether God exist or not (I still believe He does), the only thing that will matter is the impact we had on each other. Therefore when I do become fans of other people, it's because I am idolizing the impact they have on others and the good they do for people, and I'm aspiring to have the same impact on others but in my own way. I don't have favorites though.
I'm very much aware that you may not read this letter, as you probably get millions of letters each day from all your fans, and depending on if you even have the time from work, when you finally do read this, it may not mater then. I'm not sure how it works for you in your career, but if I'm being honest, I'm writing this for me, because today I realize that though I know nothing about you, I've come to relate to you while listening to one of your songs.
You see, the thing is for the past 6-7 months I've been struggling over one thing, which is the loss of a relationship. One that I'd never imagine would break me the way it did. As you can probably guess, the song that I was listening to was "Lose You To Love Me." And the reason I feel I can relate is because for about 2 years and maybe 6 months, I was in a romantic relationship with someone named Julius, and to me that relationship meant everything. I won't get into so much detail but to me, it was such a pure and beautiful relationship that we had together but what kept us apart was the fact that I moved to Florida. And maybe moving here could have been avoided, but I wanted to finish school to be a nurse, and I thought it would be easier to do it while still living with my parents. However I always had the option to stay with my sister, and finish school back home in Jersey. I sort of regret not doing this now, but not because the relationship ended. It's because I feel trapped by the guilt that my mother still needs me for emotional support even though I still feel as though I haven't quite finished my story in Jersey. Nor do I like feeling like I was forced to make this decision based off of logic. Logically speaking it makes more sense to live with your parents, even though you struggle to feel like yourself, for the sake of bettering yourself. I hate to think this decision I made was not the right one. I'm rambling though. Let me continue to explain why I relate to the song.
The thing is, I always knew his relationship with his dad wasn't the best and that he always had hurt in his heart because of what happened to his mother, how she's no longer in his life. And part of me feels guilty for the way our relationship ended, even though he's the one who ended things with me, because maybe me moving to Florida made him feel abandoned. He needed guidance, and it wasn't fair for me, the only person he could trust would just up and leave him, but at the same time, it would make him selfish to feel that way, and I guess that's why he told me he resents me.
I understand the saying, "right person just wrong time," very well but I never thought that it had to be true for us. Let me give some context, and I'll try to be concise but it'll be king of hard to do with all that happened in 2 years. We were on and off for those last 2 years but every time we were off I'd always be the one to go back. But the first time we were off, to keep a very long story short, another man had taken advantage of me while I was in Florida during our break and that was one thing that I always feared would break us. And it kinda did. He once told me mid argument that I should've pushed him off or said something. He made me feel guilty for it and then apologized afterwards. That's where your song comes in. I should have given us both time to heal before letting him back in. I can hear the lyrics "We'd always go into it blindly" and relate them to every time we broke up and got back together. All for the sake of not wanting to lose what we had.
Then a year and half would go by and seemingly things were going amazingly beautiful. I can't describe the joy Julius brought to my life. But all that I did and all my efforts to keep us together would be for nothing. Alas, he began to change once things started to go in a better direction for him and we'd break up again once I started to recognize that. I love him and want the best but I also didn't know how to accept the fact that he was changing and didn't know how to express that feeling without putting the guilt on him and making him feel ashamed. I don't want to ramble too much, though it's making me feel better, so I'll get the part that hurt me the most in your song and that was the lyrics "in 2 months you replaced us, like it was easy. Made me think I deserved it, in the thick of healing." Actually the line before that one too I can feel as well "I gave my all and they all know it."
I can relate to this because it wasn't 2 months for me it was 4, maybe 3 but still. Four months for 2 years. It's a betrayal of trust and healing. How could you throw away all we had like it was nothing? The craziest thing is he told me before he'd end things that the girls he works with are all dim and he couldn't stand them. But guess who's the girl he replaced me with? The same girl he'd complain about. It makes me sick to my stomach because she just had to be skinnier than me. And the thing that's sickening is I can't help but feel that I'm better. I'm still so hung up on him because he downgraded when he had everything with me, but because I was here and he was there, it didn't mater, as long as he had someone to be there with him. And now I think they live together. It's all so tragic. I'm just so angry as well, because it's like how everyone was trying to say that Hailey was copying you. Whether that's true or no I don't know nor care. But it hurts that I used to work in the same place he works with and now he's replacing me with someone else who works with him. Same place too. Then the thing I could never do is take my boyfriend's phone to post a photo of myself on his Instagram. It's like she's claiming him as if he's her pet. I don't do things like that because I'm better than that. That's the type of thing that makes you insecure. It's like, "oh let me claim my property" when it's never really yours to begin with. He wasn't mine either. Just someone I can say and feel love for.
It's sickening that I can hate someone I barely know because of the pain left from someone who all he had to do was tell me the truth. I knew he was feeling for someone else, but when I asked him, he'd lie and say "I just need time to know what I really want."
Anyways it's not her fault, just like it's not Hailey's fault. And it's not their fault either, Justin and Julius (those damn J names). Because hurt and happiness all happen for the same reason. We're not destined to meet people and marry the first person who makes us laugh and makes us smile. We're only destined to keep growing and learning to forgive while appreciating the good times even if we wish to have them back. I came to realize that what I was really missing was the feeling of youth and carelessness. You can have that with anyone. It just hurts that it has to end the way it did, which could have been avoided to be honest. And that brings me to your other song that I relate to. "People You Know."
I want to thank you for taking the time to listen to my story. I know it may seem strange for a random person to vent to a complete stranger, but I think that's what makes life worth while. The fact that we can share with people, even just once, without fear, is worth more than all the riches of the world. You may never be able to change the world and you can't fix everyone's problems but you made even the slightest impact by stooping down to their level and lend an ear. That to me is priceless. With that being said, thank you again for listening and I hope that you will always be the person you were meant to be. I pray a life full of joy and understanding as well as wisdom will stay with you. It's because you don't hold back from sharing how you truly feel even if you may receive hate for it, is what made you so impactful and inspirational on mine and others life. Here's to being honest 🥂.
Love,
Rebecca Boules
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes."
Ephesians 6:10-11 NIV
