Soul's Epistle

Dear Iruka,

It's been years since I wrote anything, let alone to you. Did you know I hated you for a long time? Or well, I tried to hate you for a long time.

The truth is, I don't know why I'm writing this now when you left so many years ago. Anyway, Hinata and Kakashi pushed me to write to you even though you'll never read this.

Iruka, I don't know how to start this. I feel like it was your fault. How could you leave without a warning or even a goodbye? You were the person who broke my heart the most, and at the same time, I felt (and still feel) that you were a damn coward.

When I found you at home that time, hanging and swaying slightly, with cloudy eyes and not seeing anything, something in me broke. I cried for you, I suffered for you.

I still remember that swollen tongue in your open mouth with blue lips and eyes injected with blood. I still remember how people, when they found out it was me who found you, looked at me with pity. Did you even know? They treated me like I was damn glass, ready to shatter at any moment. And they were damn right.

They would say, "Hey, Naruto. I'm sorry," or "Look, there goes the kid who found the sensei hanging," also, "Naruto, why didn't you go to Iruka's home earlier?"

For years, those memories overshadowed the ones you helped me create, and I was okay with that because it was much easier to feel hatred and resentment than the pain you caused me. I loved you, Iruka, and I still love you.

Did you know I considered you my father? Iruka, you were the first person who saw, cared for, and loved me unconditionally, and I loved you just as selflessly. It hurt when people said, "Iruka only took Naruto for the fame" when I knew it wasn't true. I know you loved me, Iruka, so I don't understand why you left that way.

The news of your departure echoed in the village like a sad echo, a melancholic whisper that penetrated too deeply into me. How could you leave like that, leaving behind a void of unanswered questions and a pain I didn't even know how to address? For years, my heart was a battlefield between anger, resentment, and confusion. Why did you leave me?

It was only recently, in a conversation with Kakashi, that the shadows behind your departure began to fade. He told me the truth about your farewell, but I still consider it a coward's way out. How could you prefer that exit instead of staying with us?

Thanks to him, I realized the true pain you caused not only to me but also to him and the rest of the village. I didn't know that you and he had been a couple for a few years before your suicide. You didn't think of him or me, did you?

But well, nothing can be changed now.

Kakashi, when he spoke to me, told me about the struggle you were fighting and losing against yourself. He told me you were losing your memories. It started slowly; first, you forgot where you left the keys or what lesson you had to teach that day, but then you started forgetting what day it was or the way to your work.

Kakashi remembers that it consumed you, and they only knew it was some kind of amnesia stealing your memories.

Something he remembers very well is when you said, "Love, I don't want to forget the memories that made us the people we are today," and that's when he knew you would do something. He told me you loved too much to want to forget the ones you loved.

That amnesia that plagued you had no cure. Kakashi told me you went to different people, including Tsunade. They traveled far to see how to recover the memories slipping through your fingers like water.

For many years, I wondered: how could I forgive you for what you did seemingly out of nowhere? Even now, I don't know if I have the strength to forgive you completely. I know you loved with your heart and soul. I know losing your memories and being stuck in amnesia, unable to recover or make new memories with the people you loved, would have broken you from the inside.

When you left, the empty chair in your classroom, the books on the shelves left without an owner, every corner of your room unoccupied; all of that became a constant reminder of your absence. I didn't know it back then, but Kakashi took mission after mission to forget what you did and the pain you caused him, but unlike me, he understood why you did it. I can't. Not yet.

Your house is in my name, all your possessions are in my name. I had no idea you did that in life.

I remember when I opened the door after the funeral and saw the room just as it was the day I found you, reality crashed against me like an unstoppable wave.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive you for leaving this world that way, but I also can't stop loving you.

Now, all I have are mere memories of your smile and love. I remember the nights you told me the nightmares would go away, that people would love me, that I would have a family full of love.

Although, Iruka, this hatred I felt for so long was just a facade for the pain of losing you. This letter may never reach its destination, but in every word, I try to convey the intensity of my emotions, and the complexity of my broken soul. Hopefully, somewhere, you can feel the magnitude of my love and understand the burden we carry with you in your absence.

With love and confusion,

Naruto.