Burdened Love - A Peaky Blinders Story

26

My hands shook as I held the gun. It was pointed at Alfie, but it was Alfie when he was a child. He was shuddering on the concrete looking up at me with fear. I turned around, the gun still pointed out and it was now pointed at me. It was me when I was probably 6 or 7 years old. I tried lowering the gun but my hands stayed where they were, my finger on the trigger pointed right at my head. I was crying and I felt sweat drip down my back. I heard my name being called, as if someone was begging me to stop.

I was shaken awake by Michael. He was standing above me with his hands on my shoulders shaking me. It was obvious he was woken up by me. He was shirtless and was wearing dress pants, as if he hadn't bothered to take them off before getting into bed.
I took a sharp inhale as I opened my eyes and sat up a little bit.
Sweat glistened on my forehead and dripped down my back, and my breath was short.
"You were screaming" he said "good thing Polly has those sleeping pills"
"I'm sorry I um" my head was still foggy.
"Nightmares?" He asked like he already knew.
I nodded and sat up more, gulping down the water on my night stand.
"I have them too" he said solemnly sitting at the foot of the bed.
He dug his hand in his pocket and pulled out a small blue vial of powder.
"This is the only thing I found helps, but I don't sleep when I'm on it, it just helps me stay awake" he said coldly.
"Same for me" I said quietly eyeing that little blue bottle in his hand.
He shoved it back in his pocket and looked at me.
"Id rather stay awake all night on snow, than close my eyes at night and be subject to whatever torment my mind throws at me that night" I said.
"You?" He says with his eyebrow raised in a mocking way.
I just shrugged and looked at him. His face more rigid than I remembered before. He looked grown into himself, and he had those handsome Shelby features  like Tommy.
"How did you forgive him?" I asked.
He looked caught off guard by my question "I don't know if I really ever forgave him, but I knew staying with the company was the best decision. I wanted to be there for my mom." He said honestly.
"Everyone will be there tomorrow?" I asked with a hint of caution in my voice.
"Hopefully everyone, we haven't been able to get a hold of John. I'm going out there in the morning to get him." He said standing up from the bed.
"I should get some rest. Goodnight Millie." He said and then quietly left through the door closing it behind him.

I woke up early the next morning, as always. I didn't sleep much more, but I had no more nightmares. I turned over in my bed and saw the little blue vial that Michael had last night sitting on my night stand. He must of put some in my room before he left his morning. I sat up slowly and swept it in the drawer.
I wanted to be better, I wanted to heal. I convinced myself I no longer needed it as I rose from the bed and heavily walked to the bathroom.
I took a bath and then got dressed in black pants and a grey thick cashmere sweater. My aim was just to stay warm, but I put on makeup. If I was seeing Tommy today I wasn't going to look like a corpse. I brought my face to life with pale pink blush and I coated my lashes with mascara.
After I felt presentable enough, I made my way downstairs to see Polly sipping tea in her living room.
"Good morning" I said softly.
"Michael has been gone far too long" she said, ignoring my greeting and gripping tight to her tea cup.
"When did he leave?" I asked calmly sitting down to pour myself a cup.
"Two hours ago" She said.
"I'm sure it's fine" I said trying to be a calm presence.
"When Tommy gets here I'll show him" she said trembling with anger and fear.
"He's coming here?" My mouth went dry as the words came from my mouth.
"Yes to pick us up" she said focused on her anger, not noticing that I had darted upstairs.
I ran into my bathroom and grasped the toilet as I hurled. After, everything was out of me I sat on the cold tile floor panting.
It was the nerves that got me, that mixed with the withdrawals I was experiencing.
I stood up and brushed my teeth again in the sink.
I then numbly walked over to the nightstand in the room, and snatched up the blue vial.
I heard pounding on the door, and I poured some on my hand, sniffing it up.
Suddenly, I hear a wail come from Polly. So heartbreaking, and heart wrenching. I quickly shoved the vial into my coat pocket and ran downstairs.

My heart dropped as I saw Tommy. He was trying to pick up Polly off the floor while she was inconsolably crying. I froze mid way down the stairs looking at them, and Tommy turned to me. My heart sunk at his eyes meeting mine.
"Michael was shot. We need to get to the hospital." He said sternly and then focused his attention back on Polly.
I pushed away the nausea and pain I felt from seeing him again and kneeled down with Polly.
"Polly" I said softly trying to get her to look at me.
"Polly" I said a little more sternly.
She snapped her head at me and her eyes were filled with hurt.
"I'm here" I said quietly, looking into her eyes.
"Go fight for him Polly" I said.
She nodded and I helped her up from the floor.
"Let's go" I said coldly looking at Tommy.