The Insane Asylum

What?

"Just because you make a good plan , doesn't mean that's what's gonna happen." - Taylor Swift

  As the breeze glued my hair to my face i wondered how long this would last. I slowly dragged my feet into the old, small, claustrophobic school building and plastered a fake but semi-believable smile onto my face. It came in waves, big loud heavy waves. It was deafening. It could drown you. It was almost like nothing else in the world mattered. Maybe the world itself didn't matter either. But as every day starts, so did this one. I wasn't nervous, I wasn't dissapointed, i was just absolutely utterly indifferent. After two years of not stepping foot in a school here i was again. After two years of being stuck in an emotional jail, in a physical state of despiar, here i was, standing up again. Nothing could stop me i was invincible. I was better. I was stronger. I was no longer an anxious 14 year old. I was hopeful. I mean sure when I moved here i started hurting myself again but that doesn't matter none of it does. I mean sure I'm forced to be in a religious school but that doesn't matter either. I know im completely capable of overcoming this obstacle that stands in my way, I'll just go around.
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It was all a memory, the past. Theres a reason the windshield of a car is larger than the back window for looking into your past is far less important than preparing for your future. But i couldn't get it out of my mind. The way his hands had grazed my body. The way his lips had hovered on mine. No. I don't want to think about this. I want to be anywhere but here. This doesn't matter. This is the past. I'm okay now. Better. Healthy. Medication is a thing of the past. I should forget about this. Maybe then I won't be so weak. So pitiful.
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Starting with the very first class I had been present in, with the very first person i had acquainted, i came to a realization, a realization that i was wrong. I was lying to myself. It all came rushing back. All the fears, all the sadness ,all the hopelessness ,all the helplessness. I had been hiding, not healing. But i was supposed to be better. After two years of not being in school i was supposed to exceed all expectations and rise above all challenges. I was expected to be the best of the best, despite my misfortunes. I had the time and the space to heal. The time and the space to change. And I had, I had changed. But maybe, just maybe, it wasn't for the better. Change is inevitable I knew that but what  I hadn't realized is that meant that change wasn't permanent either.

Dorming again had always been my dream, running away from home, arguing with your roomates over the shower, cleaning, smelling drugs all the time, you know, all the good stuff. So as I swiftly set my belongings into their correct places, i was almost at peace. Almost. I sat on my bed and started to contemplate things. I started to think, to feel, to regret. I started to fall deep into a spiral that I didn't want to be entering. Almost as soon as it had started my phone alerted me and i came out of the painful hole. I picked up my phone and smiled. Faith, my fairly new girlfriend had texted me. "hi" she had typed. "hey" I wrote back "what's up?". They were the type of person i could talk to all day long and never get bored. I remember the first time we had talked. I was desperate. I was deep in my thought spiral, i was having unbearable urges to find a sharp object, to take it apart, to release the heavy feeling on my chest. But Faith had been my escape. We talked for hours that night and I guess we just never stopped. We were inseparable. At least, I was obsessed with her. Until Faith, i had felt so alone, so apart from everyone else, but with Faith in my life i felt understood. Faith suffers from a condition called Borderline Personality Disorder or Unstable Personality Disorder. The main symptom is unstability in relationships of all types, whether that be with yourself or with others. And of course, as the name described, an unstable emotional state. I worried to always ask Faith how they were feeling that particular day. How numb were they? Had she eaten? Was she feeling depressed. Sometimes i felt like i couldn't get through to Faith. As if they had set up an emotional barrier, keeping anything from going in and in return, keeping anything from coming out. However, from the moment i had met Faith i knew i was in love. Even if i didn't know what love was, i was sure this is what it felt like. And i had only hoped that Faith loved me back.
As the first day of classes had come to an end, i felt a deep indescribable pain in my chest, as if someone was sitting on it. I felt numb to my core. I felt like i was dying. I layed in my bed and waited. Waited for it to pass, for something to change but it didn't. And all of a sudden I  had lost my breath, I simply couldn't catch it. As many times as i breathed deeply i couldn't get air into my lungs. I felt a warm drop slide down my cheek. And then another. And then another. And before I knew it my face was red as a tomato and I needed to catch my breath. So, I did what any sane person would do- I wrote to Faith.
I had finally built up the courage, after weeks of being in school, to go see my social worker. I sent her a message, with few details, stating that i wish to schedule a meeting. She replied positively and we set a time and a date. I felt like 9th grade was happening all over again. But no, this wasn't 9th grade, I was stronger now, in love, stable, I was okay. At least, that's what I told myself.
With every passing week our meeting got delayed and pushed off, to the point where she had set off to maternity leave and I was left all alone, again. I had experienced a worsening in my symptoms, and once again I stuck to Faith, trusting her to aid me, to support me, to find a solution. But as the weeks went on, as the days got shorter, as the sky turned darker, I started slipping away. At first, it began with me not doing my homework, and then, it escalated to me missing classes, going to the grass to clear my head (although it didn't work too well). My teachers started realizing something was going on, as did my parents, but I continued to push it off.
Eventually, a substitute social worker came in. Her name was River. She was beautiful and so sweet. I was referred to her by my dorm staff and my homeroom teacher but I refused to go. Things continued like this for quite a few days until I finally agreed to see her.
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"Send" the message read, it's what they always said. All the girls. I gave in, against my better judgement- all I wanted was to be loved. All i wanted was affection and attention. I finally realized i was attracted to girls and I was willing to do whatever it took to find someone to be mine. "If you don't send more I'll send your pictures out for everyone to see" she texted me again. I was in utter shock, my heart started racing as I clicked the block button. I feared for my life that she would publish those photos. I had everything to lose and nobody to help me. Nobody to save me. So i moved on, but I never ever learned.