crashing waves (finnick odair)

Chapter 6: Why?

I keep staring at the locket in my hand. I never thought I'd see it again. The last time I saw this, it was coated in my brother's blood. In fact...

I look closer, and there's still a small scratch visible. I know where it came from. A sword Adrian just barely dodged. A close call. A lucky break. He didn't get many more after that.

I'm grateful Finnick has left me to my thoughts. Frankly, I don't know what I would do if he were here still. I need the silence. And Finnick...he distracts me.

"Hi," I whisper to Adrian. I can feel his eyes on me, even if I can't see him. His ghost haunts me. "I promised Finnick I'd fight. But if I can't..." I let out a rattled breath. My voice cracks as I murmur, "Make it not hurt, okay?"

•••••

I don't know how long I sit there. I hold onto the last bit of my brother I have left. I stare blankly out the window, watching the sun set and the districts fly by. I feel everything and nothing.

The door slides open, then closed, and I know it's him. Who else would it be? Who else would care?

"It's late," Finnick says quietly. I look over at him finally.

"I figured," I say with a half smile. "Are you going to sit?"

"Would you like me to?"

"I think I would."

His lips turn up. Finnick comes over to me, and he sits. He doesn't move his eyes from me. He pauses for a moment before he reaches for my hand. I don't try to stop him. Warmth spreads through my body as his skin touches mine. His hands are large and strong. Capable. I like feeling him touch me.

"How are you doing? After earlier?" Finnick asks quietly. His voice is as quiet as a sea breeze.

"I don't know," I admit. I look down at his hand around mine. "I miss him."

He squeezes my hand gently. "I know," he admits. "I do too." He's quiet for a moment. "You were the last thing we ever talked about."

I look up at him with wide eyes. I hadn't known this. How could I have?

"Really?" I ask softly, my heart racing in my chest. "What did he say?"

Finnick looks out the massive window. He smiles softly at the memories coursing through his head.

"That he loved you," he murmurs. "That he wanted to win so he could take care of you."

My eyes fill with tears. I can hardly breathe.

"And if he didn't win," he starts, then sighs. "Well, he asked if I would take care of you instead. Look after you. Make sure you had everything you needed." My mouth runs dry. Finnick looks at me then, and his piercing sea green eyes burn into me. "And I did. He didn't need to ask, though. I was going to anyway."

"What? I don't understand," I say, blinking to try and stave off the tears.

"I've been giving Reyna money for the past year," he admits. "Enough to provide for you. I thought it would help." He smiles slightly. "I hoped it would."

Finnick...he has been providing for me? He's been keeping me fed? Alive?

"Adrian made me promise," he admits, still wearing that small, fond smile. "He didn't need to, though. I'd never let anything happen to you."

My heart is in my throat. None of this makes sense. Why Adrian would be worried, yes, I can understand, but why Finnick would...

"Why?" I whisper. It's the only thing I want to know. It's what I need to know.

His smile flickers. His throat bobs. Why is he nervous? I search his eyes for any clue.

"You know," he murmurs. "I know you do." He lets out a forced laugh as my blood runs cold. "No secrets, remember?"

He- no. There's no way.

My voice breaks as I mumble, "Finnick..."

"I've loved you since I first met you, all those years ago."

He said it. Holy shit. He actually said it.

He reaches for me, and I let him. I have gone numb. I don't know what to feel. This is all I have ever wanted. But now, I'm about to die.

"You don't have to say anything," he promises. "But I couldn't keep it in. Not now. Not when you're going into the arena. You'll be okay, you'll make it out. But I just- I had to tell you." He lets out a shaky breath as he pulls me into him. His body relaxes as he holds me.

"I've dreamed of you saying that," I admit softly, resting against him. I listen to his heartbeat- strong and steady. He strokes my hair. "Finnick, what did you mean earlier? When you talked about everything you've done? Do you mean- this?"

He sighs. He presses his nose to my hair.

"I'll tell you," he murmurs. "Before the Games. But for right now, can we just stay like this?"

I look up at him then. Finnick watches me. He doesn't try to stop me from moving, but he also doesn't let go. I hate that I see worry on his face. Fear.

"You really love me? Even now? Even knowing I could die?" I ask quietly. I'm afraid that if I speak too loudly, I'll shatter us both.

"I could never not love you," Finnick admits. My heart skips a beat.

"And if I do die?" I ask reluctantly. I need to know. His face goes solemn.

"I'd rather love you and lose you than never love you at all."

His words startle me, because I understand. I feel the same way, in a familial sense, about Adrian. And when I picture Finnick, I know I'd choose the same path. I just never expected anyone to feel that for me.

I reach up with a shaking hand and gently brush his hair from his face. He really is perfect.

"Me too," I whisper. His eyes widen as he realizes what I mean. "I- I'm not the way I was, Finnick. Losing my family- it broke me."

He pets my hair. "I know."

"But if any part of me is left whole, I'll love you with it," I continue, my heart pounding as I get the words out. His breath catches. "I don't know how long we'll get, but...but whatever it is, it'll be worth it."