Understanding the Misery Flywheel

Me

I obsess over rationality. Every belief I have and every action I take must be supported by well thought out and structured lines of reason. And yet, I find myself now, swimming in a cesspool of erratic behaviors, willing to drown out of disgust for the air. When I was younger, I thought that life was simple but difficult. I mean, it's not as though we don't know the steps to success--eat healthy, workout enough, talk to friends, and work towards something. An easy recipe for happiness. Hell, I could--without any struggle--recite exactly the steps to take for someone who has hit rock bottom, to get back on their feet. So, it's simple but difficult. Knowing what to do is not the same as doing it--this is becoming increasingly clear to me. Either that or, I am weak. The problem would have to be me... call it cognitive dissonance or whatever but I cannot accept that. My life from the outside looks good. Most would be envious, as I have secretly hoped they would. Look, no one wants to admit it but deep down we all want to make others jealous. Like a parasite eating me from the inside out, I have longed for this. How much of my motivation stems from perception, rather than results?

Hello, my name is Joshua. Joshua Ortiz-Ruiz. I have been blessed with a supportive family, a loving partner, and opportunity after opportunity to make something of myself. My grandfather immigrated from Mexico and raised my father with a barely functioning apartment, little money for food, and--most strikingly--without love. Perhaps my grandfather loved my dad in his own way, but if he did, he never expressed it. My father, raised without affection, resources, opportunities, or positive influences, what would you expect to become of such a man? Empirical studies would suggest my father adopts the same tendencies as his parents, furthering the cycle of poverty that has entrenched his family for generations. Ha, with pride, I can report that my father is above such infantile concepts as statistics or circumstance. What's the expression? 'Pull yourself up by your bootstraps' that is what my dad accomplished. Because of his unrelenting efforts, I was raised in a middle-class family, safe from danger, with plenty of food, and--most importantly--with love.

See, I have no excuses. What I am, the person I have become, is not a result of childhood trauma or psychological torment. I want to make my dad proud. To be him is to be integrious, kind, hard-working, while at the same time carrying respect. You know, I say that 'I want to make my dad proud' and yet, he already is. He tells me nearly every day of his pride in me. From the outside, I seem put together--a junior in college, working two jobs--a project manager internship and a Residential Assistant, a healthy relationship, good grades--you name it.

By the book, I have tackled the challenges of life and responded how I was taught. At some point, there grew a disconnect between how others viewed me, and how I did. Because of this misalignment, their opinions mean nothing to me. Unfortunately, this includes my partner, Cecilia. She gives me compliments and tells me I'm working hard. I appreciate the sentiment while rejecting her words internally. In truth, I believe her compliments derive from her good heart, rather than an accurate assessment of my character.

I read a book recently. It was Brad Stone's biography on Amazon, "The Everything Store". A good read and for a business-minded person like myself, I felt intrigued to learn how Amazon came to be. The book explains that Jeff Bezos, founder of Amazon, had a lightbulb moment that he described as the "flywheel". In the flywheel, Amazon first entices customers with their low prices, then uses those profits to reinvest into the company, as the company fortifies, prices are lowered more, attracting more customers. Thus, the cycle continues and the flywheel only gains more momentum, becoming an unstoppable force.

Once a flywheel is spiraling at high speeds, it is nearly impossible to stop. It becomes self-sustaining. Imagine a flywheel, not of positive reinforcement, but of negative condemnation. A series of debilitating habits that take on a life of their own. Once living, no longer am I the operator of my mind. No, I exist as a passenger--occasionally voicing my advice, never expecting the advice to retain implementation for more than a day.

This is me.

My thoughts. Every day and every night. I cannot escape it.

Now my day begins.