Ancient Aliens: Short Humor

Ancient Aliens: Short Humor by Jonah Bergan

Whoever said "God don't make no mistakes" obviously has never seen me in the nude. The proposition that an omnipotent, kind and loving deity descended from on high and carefully gathered the resources necessary to erect a walking talking replica of divinity on earth and further, that I am the result of thousands of years of a continual and on-going refinement of that sculpture, strikes me as missing the mark somehow. Consequently, I have come to consider the possibility that we are the result of ancient alien intervention. This makes more sense. It explains so much. It is exactly the kind of absurd notion that can be nothing but absolutely true.

If our creator was a group of alien scientists, for example, it would explain underarm odor, tooth decay, muscle cramps, intestinal blockages, constipation, diarrhea, pimples, in-grown hairs, arthritis, male pattern baldness, and so on. These things do not seem divine to me. They do not seem to mirror the divine as I have come to understand the divine. They seem like mistakes or perhaps code errors.

While an All-Knowing-Omnipotently kind and loving deity is unlikely to make mistakes, due in no small part to the All-Knowing-Omnipotent part, aliens, on the other hand, are as likely to make mistakes as any of the rest of us. If the reports are to be believed, they frequently crash their spaceships. They apparently find it very difficult to steer around windmills, trees and wide flat stretches of desert.

Early on, with the entire universe at their doorstep, they came to earth and proceeded to crash their space ships or, in failing that, take people out of their cars and homes in order to explore their subject's belly buttons. They have since moved on to the anus.

They may have perfectly good reasons for this. I find it difficult to imagine what those reasons might be, but one thing is certain, they do not ever ask permission first. This is also a mistake. It breeds ill-will. Were the aliens to hire me on as a consultant I would suggest that they immediately dispatch a series of letters of apology to those who have been abducted and summarily probed. The letters should each be accompanied by a substantial check offered as settlement for damages, grief and all that. Following this I would encourage the aliens to lease kiosks in various shopping malls to invite volunteers to sign up for voluntary probing. I feel certain this would succeed, most particularly if they were to offer a small stipend in exchange for participation.

There are those who suggest that the aliens have been skulking about behind the scenes for quite some time. Unlike the skeptics who seem to grow very agitated at the mere suggestion that roughly six thousand years of human history is all completely wrong, I am willing to accept the proposition that we may be the result of some form of genetic manipulation. If this is true, it does not mean that the millions of great minds that have come before us are all pop-eyed loonies. Some of them may have been, but certainly not all. The hypothesis does however explain why the aliens seem to feel somehow entitled to our belly buttons as well as explaining why that entitlement seems to have been extended to the anus. If they made these orifices, certainly they might feel entitled to tinker with them.

One possibility, which may help explain all of this is that the aliens may have noticed that we are far from the amazingly noble powerful and potent beings they may have intended us to be. As a species we have demonstrated these traits from time to time, but then suddenly and inexplicably we... "Ooh, look...cows!"

Where was I? Oh yes. We become somehow distracted. It think it is distinctly possible that the aliens may be mechanics of a sort, who have returned to the factory to figure out what has gone wrong before a recall needs to be issued. Certainly, in light of that expense, the cost of a kiosk in the mall is fairly reasonable don't you think?

The End

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