Midnight's Cacophony of Thoughts

Ceri: Strangers with Memories

Someone asked me if I knew you.
A million memories flashed through my mind.
But I just smiled and replied. "I used to."
— unknown.

CERI

I smiled earnestly as I replied to one of my students giving me her warmest goodbye as she graduates from high school. Her name was Violet. Her last days of Senior High School, she became more than just a student for me. So as much as it breaks my heart letting her go for her to spread her wings at the next step of her life, I had to. Being in this field, I've learned a lot of things.

One of them is facing one of the hardest truth in life that in order for things to grow, you have to let some things go.

It's not because you don't want them anymore, but for you to realize that certain things has to move...has to grow forward and sometimes, inevitably, you're gonna be part of those people who has to grow apart in order to learn to spread your wings on your own.

My hands grabbed the eye glasses near the mirror as I opened my social media accounts to catch up a little. I have been out of it 4 days ago because of my piled up work. Huling araw na ng mga bata kahapon at talagang pinigilan ko ang sarili kong gamitin ang social media ko upang matapos na ang mga ipapasa at mapirmahan na ang clearance ng mga estudyante ko.

I successfully grabbed my glasses but I knocked off something off of my table. I heavily sighed as I leaned down to grab the picture frame that fell off when I saw a familiar printed photo at its back, seeping through.

My heart jolted as pain spread through my being. I slowly held onto the photo as the warm light illuminates for me to clearly stare at it.

How many years had it been?*

Four.

Four years since we just both slowly lose contact until it came to a day we really did stop talking. I once asked my students what's their most painful heartbreak. They had similar answers as I expected. Boyfriends. Girlfriends. Third-party. Not enough. And a lot more.

Then the question was returned to me. I only smiled as answer. I didn't want to answer them because they might find me a little cringy since my most painful one didn't come from a romantic relationship.

It was friendship.

My eyes wandered back to the photo of Irye and I genuinely smiling at the camera as I held on to the cellphone for a selfie. Irye and I were best of friends back then. I couldn't even remember the time he was not in my life until the universe really gave me a life of 4 years and continuing that he's not in it. I didn't know why. I had no reasons in me. I couldn't even begin to ponder why until I learned it when I had to say goodbye to my first set of students my first advisory class when I became an official professor.

The only difference is, I get to say goodbye to my students while Irye.... My dear and favorite Irye.

I was always afraid of losing him. I was afraid of growing. I didn't want us to grow apart. He became an integral part of my life that losing him means losing another of my loved ones. Maybe because of the trauma I had from my teens when my father died—but death or plain growing apart, I didn't want to lose anyone. Let alone my Irye.

But in the end, even having Irye was too much for the universe to have him stay in my life.

Like leaves that fall off its branches whenever it's time, growing up means an inevitable end of some things as one welcomes a new season. Things needed to change in order to grow and most of the time, that change includes having to accept that not everything and everyone is meant to stay—and that sometimes, you just have to be glad and thankful that of all people who could've pass through their lives-you were one of the lucky ones who met them as they navigate their journey of finding their own path.

The things is, I didn't want him to just pass through. I wanted and needed him to stay. But life has the most cruel twist of fate.

Because even though you have every choice in your life to want it to stay—the world will keep sending you signals that if things aren't really meant to be in your life, eventually you're gonna have to let them go.

Two days ago, I was strolling on the sidewalk just few drives away from my home. There he was, at the park. Sitting on a long wooden bench reading a book, with a cup of coffee beside him. Brows furrowed and eyes immersed to the book he's holding.

Behind the tall tree with gushing leaves as the breeze embraces it—was Irye.

I smiled bitterly.

Why does things have to grow apart?

I have every answers articulated inside my head but my heart can't seem to accept the fact that—it has to.

And the most painful thing is that...you can't do anything about it.

Sighing, he closed the book he was holding as he takes the cup just beside him. Irye stood up and walked towards the open old wooden fence gate of the park. He then turned left as he walked to the sidewalk walking across....while I was at the other end of it walking slowly.

At first, I was anticipating an awkward interaction knowing we've been out of communication for a long time but no...under the sun slowly setting from the horizon, our eyes met as a warm smile formed across his face.

We held our gaze for a moment as memories of pinky swears and promises as friendships that we'd be at each other's weddings being one's maid of honor came crashing.

It didn't last a minute.

In the end, the universe won.

We became two strangers who knew each other by heart, walking across the street only to give each other a smile full of memories to hold—as the cruel world reminded us how every part of our lives...is just a star of a fleeting moment.

© ciiierulean, 2:43am.
february 11, 2024.