November 16, 2021
The 28th birthday
"I can't believe you're actually putting me on the spot like this. Today of all days!", I scold him with my hand to my forehead as i paced the floor of my childhood bedroom's floor. "It's my birthday and you brought up the fact that you left her and now you suddenly want to try again?" I mumble as I finally stop pacing, facing the wall.
"It's not "suddenly" like you think it is", he simply states.
"My whole family is out there. My friends are out there. And you're damn lucky you're here too because if it weren't for my mom's "words of advice", there'd be a strict "no-ex rule" at this party."
"Zayn's here."
"Zayn never dropped the L word in his birthday speech.", I counter.
"Love. Just say "love". It's not that hard to say "love", Ale. C'mon!"
It was impossible to see his expression with my back turned to him, but from his tone of voice alone, I knew what it was. I still have every variant of his facial expressions memorized. I hate that i do. It just makes it all the more harder on myself... on him. On this whole argument.
"Don't call me that.", I muttered.
"Why not? Why is it so hard for you to just let yourself go? Why must you always counter vulnerability with this wall?", Harry asks, each question sounding more desperate for answers than the next. Each one revealing more of his inner insecurities that he's most likely been wanting closure for for since I let him down. Since I left him in that hotel hallway. February 6th, 2016.
"Stop." was all I responded with immediately after, firmly and rather harshly. I hated it when he pushed me, when anyone pushes me, for that matter.
"You're trying to make sure you stay well-liked and damn near perfect in everyone else's eyes so you never let yourself slip up. Because you're afraid that people will see that everything really does affect you. That you actually, truly have the heart to care about things way beyond surface level. You never let yourself feel. Please, for the love of god, think about yourself and what do want for yourself for once."
Hit the nail right on the head with that one. And of course, I had completely lost it. The feeling pooled in my gut and ran up my body, coursed through my veins like a tidal wave until i felt it manifest itself as tears. Tears. I can't believe I'm crying right now.
I know what my grandmother would say if she was in this room, god rest her soul. That it's bad luck to cry on my birthday. She was a very superstitious and rather stubborn old lady...
"Don't try to hide your feelings from me because I know you. You seem to forget that, another thing you always do...." he speaks in a soft tone, breaking me out of my thoughts and reminding me to swallow back my tears.
"Harry, just stop-"
"No, I won't stop.", he interrupts.
Out of exhaustion from all of this constant back and forth between us, I turn around to to face him. I knew he wasn't going to let this go, there's no avoiding the question he had asked me earlier on this night outside as the snow fell.
"Will we ever stand another chance...?"
He had asked. That's what started it all. The big question I had been avoiding since he had asked it. That's what has caused this back and forth that has been going on for god knows how long... I've been to busy running to bother counting the minutes. Now we were standing in the middle of the room, there was no where I could go to run from him again.
Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.
He speaks again, following me, "Stop avoiding me like you always do. Stop walking away from me solely because it's the easy way out and stop pretending you don't care because you do."
He pauses, taking a deep, slow inhale then exhale to calm himself.
"I ended things with her because she's not you.", he begins. "I'm in love with you, Ale, I've been in love. I've been in love with you since we were 16. With who you are, the way your kindness and generosity towards others has always remained unwavering, and how you've never let all of this fame get to your head. I'm completely enamoured by you.
I. love. you."
He takes another long pause to makes sure to meet my eyes, the eyes that had been avoiding his gaze since his initial question.
I had to.
I knew i couldn't lie to him. I could lie to anyone. With ease. It was always like second nature for me, which is most definitely not something I'm proud of. But one thing hasn't never changed since I left the band. Since our breakup.
I could never lie to Harry.
I know for a fact that the moment his green eyes meet mine, I'm done for.
He knew I wasn't gonna budge, so he gently lifts my chin up by holding it between his index and his thumb.
"Look at me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me."
...
One last try. I'm trying to bring my faults to light one last time. I want him to see me how I see myself.
...
"I hurt you... on multiple occasions-", he interrupts me again before I could go on another rant,
"And you can do it a million times over until it's well beyond repair. Yet in the end, my soul would still be yours to maim, to hurt...
Over. And over again..."
Fuck.
~~~
well, isn't this just a happy Valentine's Day post :D
Gotta admit, very cheesy. Definitely not my best work. Could do better and most likely will try to but that's that for now
Happy Valentine's Day, my loves💗
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