I'm waking up for not just the year but the rest of my life. Winter has been a hard task master and stretched me to my limits. Slowly but surely I'm finding myself again.
I've clung onto friends through clenched fists, refusing to let go, refusing to turn away. With love and grace they have listened, held me tight, and pointed me onwards.
I'm finding myself and my old routine again. The way I cope, the way I pull myself through. I've joined a running club with friends and strangers cheering me on. A race in May beckons.
This week I've got out for my first solo runs in months. I used to roll out of bed and run 3km every morning without fail, my setup and quiet time in the day. But not this winter.
Without it I've been a shadow of myself, I've put on weight, I've lost my joy. The mornings have been dark and cold, foreboding dark tidings. I've been pinned almost against my nature.
My bed has been warm and cozy, the drenched sweat of the night wicked away in my bedsheets. I've lied there unwilling to move, to be myself, locked inside my own head.
Now I've started sleeping again, no longer waking so much, my bedsheets sometimes dry. Rising rested, but seemingly unwilling to reach out, find my gear and see the world.
But this week I've broken the cycle. I've got up later, and run in the light. Surrounded by nature, birds singing, a gentle breeze. Short runs building my confidence and curiosity. Finding my joy.
Today I find myself stood on the fairway, a warm sun caressing me with gentle winter heat. The lush green grass reaching for the sky. A man made curiosity, nature tamed.
All is not as it seems, I stand and look at my feet. Grounding myself in the moment. Rain has made the fairway a quagmire, mud oozes around my trainers. Nature reclaims her own.
I'm reminded here that there is no true fairway in life. As much as we tame and curate nature takes its path. Wealth does not bring happiness. Possessions need maintenance.
This though is my turning point, I'm moving, thinking, reflecting again. I'm in control not the monsters of the night. I'm ready again to move on, find myself, and run wild. No one, no thing will stop me.
