Minsung - OS

Why do we meet again?

TRIGGERWARNING: suicide, death.

I remember my friend, our friend, Seungmin smiling. I can't remember when i saw him crying the last time. Maybe that's what fooled me. He never looked sad and we all thought he was always happy. But he wouldn't have done what he did if he would've been happy. He wouldn't have been gone shortly after that. He wouldn't have left this earth. He wouldn't have killed himself. After years, i'm not over it. I think i won't ever forgive myself, my foolish and selfish self for not noticing. I'm afraid i'll forget his smile. I already forgot his tears. Forgetting doesn't mean they never existed. They were there all the time, but no one noticed it.
Seungmin, Minho and i were best friends. Minho.. It's strange to think about him, after all these years. I'm curious how his life is going. How he dealt with the sudden shock. How he dealt with Seungmin's suicide.
Seungmin, Minho and i were always three. We did a lot together. I could say we were inseparable. But we both never noticed. After his death, Minho and i broke up. Minho and i were together, but we never let Seungmin feel left out. Or at least i hoped so. I won't ever know how he felt.
The cause of the break up was pain. We were in pain, everyone we knew was. And we both couldn't bring ourselves to recover faster, so we decided to just end it there, even though we loved each other.
We were always three.

And then he was gone.

I shouldn't be up this late, but i am and i'm hungry. Or maybe i'm thirsty. I can't really differentiate. I played video games until late and now i wanna go outside. It's always beautiful outside. I already missed the sunset but i'll probably be able to see the sunrise in an hour or so. I got up and left my apartment shortly after 5am.

I hate smoking, but i'm smoking a cigarette. Through the smoke i see a few people outside, probably already on their way to work. I took another drag and sat down on a bench, in the park near my apartment. I got an apple juice and a burger, but i still felt like something is missing. I didn't know what to say when someone sat down next to me. "Jisung."
The person knew my name. I took a drag and turned to see who the person was. I couldn't place his voice but i knew it was familiar, something unique that i heard before. When i turned i didn't see anyone. I saw a large hoodie around a person. A guy. "Uhm.. who are you? How do you know my name?" The person didn't instantly respond, but he took my cigarette and took a drag himself. "Uhm sorry? Who are you?"
"Sungie. I haven't seen you for so long."

And all of a sudden i knew. I knew who sat in front of me and i didn't know if i felt regret, joy or relief. I was relieved to see him after these years. I felt happy that he was still remembering the nickname he used to call me. But i felt regret that i haven't talked to him. I could've searched for him. I feel regret for going out today. I wouldn't have seen him today if i wouldn't have left my apartment at that time. I wouldn't say i regretted meeting him here and now but i also wouldn't say i'm happy about it.

I never thought i would see him again.

"Minho...?"

I knew it was him. I don't even know why i asked again. No one sounded like him and no one called me Sungie.
At least no one who still lived.

"Yes, Sungie it's me. I remember telling you you shouldn't smoke."

"Well, i don't know anymore."

"Does that erase the fact that i told you?"

"No, but you smoke, too."

"I don't smoke. I only took a drag to prevent you from continuing."

I now noticed how he threw my cigarette into the trash can next to the bench we were sitting on.

"It's fine Minho. I'm not addicted. Why are you here, talking to me? What's the reason?"

"I thought you know."

I know his reason. I have the same reason, but i wanted him to say it. To talk about it, after everything that had happened.

"I know Minho. He's still dead and we're still here. And it won't change. I haven't seen you for so long, sometimes i thought you maybe died, too."

I didn't say 'killed yourself.' If i say that, i once again get reminded that he didn't want to be with us. He didn't want to be on this earth. His smile haunts me. Was it ever real? I don't hate him for what he did. Of course not. I just would've needed an explanation or a cause. I never thought about a cause. I couldn't find a cause. Are some people just unhappy and no one sees it?

"I didn't die, Sungie. I'm here alive and healthy. I think i was pretty down after he died and we broke up. It was... a lot, but i didn't die and i won't die."

We all knew that we all die, but i knew that he was talking about killing himself. He wouldn't and i trusted him. Our break up was the last time i felt so many emotions. On the funeral was the last time before that. The day after the funeral we broke up. We just couldn't stand it.

"Sungie. I still love you. Do you think... you could love me again?"

Minho looked me in the eyes now. I couldn't see him due to his hoodie and his hair that was in his face. I raised my hands to touch his cheeks and i didn't know what it was but i remembered loving him. I still loved him. He was Minho.
The only person i have ever loved, who was not only my best friend, but my boyfriend, too.

I touched his cheeks and then i touched his jaw. He got stronger and healthier, as he said, over the years. I almost didn't recognize him. Almost.

"Sungie. Do you.. wanna try it again..?"

I thought about it. Trying what again? A friendship? Being boyfriends? Making myself vulnerable again?

"What do you mean?"

"A relationship. Falling in love all over again. I know i love you, but i missed you. Your constant presence and it felt like i lost you both. I forgot that you were here all the time. The only one who understood how i felt. But i didn't contact you and i regret it. You can't imagine how much i missed you, Sungie.."

He now touched me too. I didn't know but i missed his touch. His hands on my legs. Him just simply being there made me smile.

"I didn't know that i missed it, but i do and i just really wanna kiss you."

He smiled and chuckled. Changing the position of his hands from my legs to my neck. I still touched his face.

We kissed and i knew i missed him. I missed all of it. I missed the feeling when our lips touched. After years being without him, it now felt so different, but so familiar. So honest, but so far gone. The little feeling in my stomach when he kissed me and kissed me harder. I missed all of it, i was afraid it would end. For a brief moment, i thought about Seungmin, too. About him smiling. Smilling with his dead body, but colorful soul. And i saw him crying. Crying out of joy. He was crying while smiling. It was all in my mind, but it felt so real, i thought he was standing in front of us.

We kissed us again
and again and again.
I missed his lips on mine. I tried loving someone new after we broke up. Not directly after that, but a year or two later. I could bond with a few people, but after we kissed i felt nothing. I couldn't understand why people loved kissing. I know now. I remember again. Minho has always been the one for me but i didn't want to admit it. Admit it over the past years. I don't know what will happen in the next days or weeks. We met again today and i don't say i regret going out. I saw light out of the corner of my right eye after i kissed him. That must be the sunrise and now we get to watch it together.

That was not how i expected to watch the sunrise today. I thought it'd be cold and lonely but i met Minho again.

And he still sits next to me, now turning his head too. I don't know how long we'll stay here. I don't know how long he'll stay. Stay with me, i wanted to say. I looked at the sunrise with Minho and smiled.
The first honest smile after years.

"Min, i love you, too."
After all these years, i still do."