A/N - okay, this is my first ever time writing something like this, plz be nice. also I love catb so much so I had to write something inspired by one of my favourite songs.
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Being Steve Roger's best friend was a struggle, purely because I couldn't stop myself from falling in love with him. It was inevitable. It wasn't a cliché realisation, where I woke up one day and thought, holy fuck I'm in love with my best friend. It was gradual. It happened slowly until I was completely and irrevocably in love.
Not only did I fall in love with him, I fell in love with the way he loved me, it may have been platonic on his side, but I longed to be his. I married him with my eyes and my soul that night we danced to my favourite song. I married him with my aching heart and with every future dream I aspired to have with him. I saw all of him, the joy and the sorrows. Every time I looked at him I instantly knew I was home. And the ironic part is - I wish I told him, or could tell him when I'm with him, perhaps one day I will. I keep falling in love with him, and each time I fall a little bit further than the last. Each time it hits harder, I feel it deeper, more bewitched, more complicated, as if my soul has slowly become intertwined with his. A future with him is the only future I can imagine having. And yet, not even fate or the will of the universe can bring us together.
Longing for someone the way I long for him, it takes a toll on you. The countless hours I've spent fantasising, daydreaming, wishing, staring at the ceiling on sleepless nights. The days blur together when he isn't here, the nights feel longer and I feel emptier. There are times the yearning to be his is overwhelming, he consumes my very being, my every waking thought is dedicated to him and I feel a sense of anger that this love is one sided. But anger masks sadness, and it makes sense really, the only pain I feel is that of wishing I no longer had to go a day without knowing what it is like to kiss his lips, feel his skin against mine, listen to him say "I love you" with it having a deeper, truer meaning.
After months of dealing with the constant array of feelings, you learn to cope with it and personally, I learn to deal through music, both listening to it, or writing my own. No one has seen anything I have made before, nor will they. It was a way to escape, create my own versions of scenarios to distort my perception of reality, to live peacefully in my own little world, even if it is for a fraction of a second. I can so vividly imagine how my life could play out. Our life together, and what it could be. Grabbing my notepad for what feels like the millionth time, I started to write, the words flowing onto the paper so easily, as images of Steve flash through my mind.
"you know when you're gone, I struggle at night, dreams of you fucking me all the time"
I missed him a lot when he was on missions, or away doing work related things. In all honesty, I missed my best friend more than I missed the guy I was in love with. It would go from seeing each other, every day, for hours on end to not seeing him for month. Life suddenly becomes mundane. I still live, feel joy, smile, make shitty joke and spend time with other friends, yet under every single action there is a note beneath it all saying I still miss you. I'm sure the whole team is sick of the site of me at this point, but possibly sick of me talking about one of his best friends all the time, but they will never know you the way that I do, love you the way that I do, understand you the way that I do.
