If You Were The Gardener

2

I'm so scared
And this is different.
I want to be with you
And I want to talk to you.
I want to run away
And I want to close myself off.
I'm scared
And don't know what to do.
I think I like you a lot,
And I'm scared to fall for you.
I'm scared
And I just want you.

I wish I could trust myself more,
Cause you apparently trust me.
I don't like
That you trust me,
But I also do.
What if I disappoint you?
What if I'm not who you thought?
What if I'm not who I thought?
What if I'm actually lying
And I don't even realize?
I want you to see who I am,
But
What if I don't have control of that?
I want to be truthful to you,
But what if all I'm telling are lies?
I'm so scared.

I hope you know I'm not perfect...
But all I want
Is for you to see perfection...
And I don't want that, either
Cause that's the fear talking...
What I really want
Is for you to accept my broken heart...
It's been shattered so many times
And before I see you every week,
I have to balance the pieces
To make a heart shape.
Then,
Once you and I part,
I reminisce about the night,
I go to bed
And wake up to my heart
Shattered on the floor again...
I've ran out of glue,
So I'm left to function in this way...

I'm sorry I'm so broken...
I'm sorry I don't have a perfect family...
I'm sorry for my chronic depression
And other issues my brain hides...
I'm sorry I look the way I do...
I'm sorry I act the way I do...
I'm sorry for being scared...
I'm so sorry...
But please,
Please,
Accept me for who I am.
My every flaw
And horrible thing about me.

I want you,
But this life isn't mine, so I can't choose.
If I can choose you,
For everything I know right now,
You'd be my first choice.
I'm wanting to ask God,
But I fear his answer.
I fear he'll tell me to wait.
Haven't I waited long enough?
Please God...
I'm tired of waiting.
How can this man possibly not be it?
But I said that last time, too,
Didn't I?

I know God provides,
But...
I've grown tired,
Lost my best friends,
Lost trust in people,
Lost my confidence,
And lost a life I wanted.
I fear this life,
But I still want to stay.
Please,
Help this life
Not feel like a dream.
Dreams aren't real,
I know that more than anyone.
If this life feels like a dream,
Then it obviously won't happen
And when I look at my future,
All I see is a dream...

I'm scared...
What if
I don't have a future with anyone?
Then...
Can I go against God
And choose to have a future
With just one person?
Can I be selfish like that?
I want happiness too
And I want to get over idiot boys.
Is it ok to be selfish like this?
Think about what I want,
This time?
Disregard my future,
Just this once.
I'm scared,
But I want that.
Live
With you
As if I won't have a future.