Notebook

accept it

"Wait, I don't understand, are you supposed to answer this with a number or a sentence?" Cartman asks, genuinly. Kyle glares at him from over at his desk.

"Fatass,  did you seriously just ask if this is a maths or english homework." 

"So..a number??"  He looks over to him with a confused, hopeful look on his face.

"I don't even understand why our parents want us to all do the homework together like it was so out of the blue."  Stan interrupts.

"Well let's think, Kennys mom is an alcoholic so he never want's him around, Kyle's dad thinks Kyle is a total gaywad and-"

"And Cartmans mom is off getting fucked in the asshole by the same guy who fixed their washing machine last week."  Kyle jokes hoping it'll shut Cartman up.  It gets a laugh from the other boys though so he's feeling pretty proud of himself, and Stan and Kyle share a smile across the room.  A lot of memories and feelings flood back to Kyle,  who tries to push them down once more.

"At least I have an asshole jew!" "Yours probably got cut off!" Kyle and the other boys look at him in confusion and a little bit of disgust.

 "What?" 

"Yeah dude the fuck is that even supposed to mean?" Kenny asks." 

L-like um y'know when like you-" Cartman begins to poorly explain.

"When you what..?" Stan interrupts Cartman once again." 

Yeah go on, explain." Kyle edging him on. 

He has nothing to say, so for once, he says nothing at all. The boys all snicker. While looking around the room in embarrassment he notices a navy blue composition notebook in an open draw in Kyles room and it catches his eye.

"Kyle, you and your friends can come down, dinner is ready now! Kyles mom shouts up

"Thank fucking hell dude, I'm starving!" Cartman whines

"What's new." Kyles bites back.

"Oy! Watch your prissy little jew mouth or I'll have you!" Kyle chooses the right option and ignores Cartmans empty threats of violence, lifting himself out of his chair to walk out his room.

"I'm gonna use your shitter though Kahl, gotta make room for whatever your mom made y'know."

"Omfg, just don't blow it up."

"No promises Kyle."

The boys begin to make their way down the carpeted stairs, while Cartman tip toes back to the now empty bedroom. He snatches the composition notebook and into his backpack it goes.

"Fucktard."

Kyle was in middle school now, he felt old enough to feel the way he did now. As much as he hates to admit it, the smile thathe and Kyle shared that afternoon lingered. It stayed there, tying knots inside of his stomach.Kyle reaches underneath his pillow and takes out his a small pocket notebook."Kyles diary," The front cover of the book reads, he flips to the most recent empty page and begins to write."I tried so hard not to feel the way I do. And what hurts the most is that for a while it worked, for a while it felt like I would never feel like that again.

But now its coming back and I don't know what to do."

Even though he's not saying any words out loud, his face begins to go red, he can feel it. The embarrassment of his emotions creeping up on him, ready to pounceand ruin everything he had in a matter of moments. Because the truth is, Kyle loved Stan. I mean, of course he did, they were best friends, but this time was different.Different from anything he had felt about anyone before. Kyle didn't just love him like a friend, it felt like so much more, all hiding under the layers of theirfriendship.Kyle had felt like this before, there was no doubt. He had even written about it in the old blue composition notebook he had lying around here somewhere but itfelt wrong. I mean nobody had told him that to his face but watching him with Wendy, he looked so happy. He couldn't imagine ruining that for him because of a stupid way he felt. It just was..wrong, and now they've broken up and got back together another time since then and it's all coming back to him and he doesn't know how to handle it, so he continues to write.

"I feel stupid for ever feeling this way, god I've probably said that about a million times."Kyle takes a sharp breath in and writes quickly."I'm in love with Stan " Kyle stares at the words he wrote, too ashamed to say them out loud.

Kyle had had enough of himself and his cringe feelings toward Stan. He hated himself for it. He shoved the notebook under his pillow and closed his eyes. Maybe if he went to sleep it would all go away tomorrow. God let it go away tomorrow.

Cartman walks in with a big grin on his face.

"Oh hello poopsikins!" His mother smiles at him gently.

"Hey mom, no time to talk gottareadallofkyle'ssecretes" he says in one big breath."Oh okay Eric, you have fun, remember bed at 11!"

Cartman runs upstairs with no response to his mother, runs into his room and sits on his bed. He begins to rummage through his bag.Taking out the dark blue notebook, he almost immediately begins to read.He skips past the boring parts about his family until he stumbles upon a familiar name.

"Stan," He says,Stan? Cartman thinksHe reads the words around his name.

"I might be in love with Stan." Cartman stops reading his mouth drops open.

"oh.my.fucking.balls" "Oh this is the best thing that ever happened to me"Continuing to read, he finds out even more about Kyles desperate feelings.

"I've never felt like this and even though I know he's with Wendy I can't help but think he's just the best person in the world, I mean I can't even imagine he's my best friend.""I never plan to take action of course, that's stupid but I do really really love him." Cartman eventually finishes reading.

He takes a picture of the diary page and saves it to his camera roll. Cartman begins to get ready for bed, giddy and excited for the day at school to come.

Notes:

Poor kyle :(