I've fucked up. Real bad. Why was I such an idiot? Oh god, and poor Patrick. I'm considering myself lucky that Pete is so forgiving to Patrick- me however, he's always been cautious and untrusting around me. Because I'm the "slut" and the "jerk". It's always my fault in his eyes. Of course, this time it was. And I'm so so sorry...
I took something. I'm not sure what it was, something like ecstasy- all that matters is I'm tripping balls. I stumbled around the suburban streets, wandering. I miss Brendon. All I wat to do is have him in my arms, I want to kiss him, I want to tell him how much I love him. I want a fucking apology.
There's no chance of me winning him back, I wish I had the words to say how sorry I am. The room was dimly lit by the blue TV screen, I sat with my head in my hands and frozen peas to my face, feeling sorry for myself. Even though it's my fault.
I guess I just wish I was the forgiving type, but I'm so fucking angry at him. He kissed one of our best friends because I wouldn't put out? Like, what the fuck? Oh look I'm on the ground, I groan. Where the fuck am I?
This is the end of Ryan and I. Oh god, I'd never thought it would end, but I guess it has to eventually. We were incredible- well, he was. He was the perfect one, I'm just pathetic.
I roll onto my back, looking up at the stars, and the faint light pollution from the city. There's one star, shining bright. With one hand raised above my head I try to grasp for it. Out of reach.
...huh.
"Talk to him," Hayley told me. I can hardly do that if he ignores me like this, countless texts I've sent, he hasn't even looked at them.
Brendon: (09:34) We need to talk about this
Brendon: (11:11) I never realised how much I'd miss you
Brendon: (00:23) Ryan, baby, we need to talk
Brendon:(01:38) Goodnight <3
I guess I deserve it.
My legs ache just to walk now, my head heavy. I'm coming down, and it's not good. I think I'm going to be sick, everything's spinning, the quiet sounds from the street echoing in my head. I fall back down to the ground, which is not a soft landing but with some relief. I begin to regret taking it in the first place, trusting Jon. So much fun while it lasts, with no happy ending.
Ryan: (05:01) I hate that I don't hate you
Brendon: (06:57) I'm so so sorry
