These White Petals On My Head

//unforeseeable ending//

Sometimes, I wonder when it started. But the real question was, will it ever end?

You never even called me pretty-- not even once. You never cared about  how perfect my eye make up was. You never cared when I was wearing those nice dresses. But I remembered you once asking me if I was wearing contact lenses when my eyes were just naturally brown and for me that was the closest thing to a praise, somehow. Maybe how I look never mattered at all. Deep inside I know you wanted something I could never change about myself.

I had grown accustomed to when I cried myself for hours and nobody was there to listen. When I was walking by the seashore wishing I'd feel better and then the waters would just glisten. I never wanted any answers or advice. All I ever hoped for was to bury my emotions with a graveyard in the middle of a desolate land. Isn't it fucking beautiful when you inhaled the smoke and your mind turns blank and your body turns numb? And then the emotions would cease and irrationally, I become rational again. I usually so easily give up on things that are unreachable. I let go of it like a pen on my trembling hands after ceaselessly writing. I was used to having unanswered desperate pleas and yet...

And yet ...

If you're not meant to be mine, then why am I allowed to feel this way? I don't even know you at all. I was blinded by our empty conversations that maybe does not hold value to you. But I held on to it like those old photographs of precious memories. And though it starts to fade, I would still keep it in my treasure box, waiting to be discovered to relive those times just to make me feel alive. Because you make me feel alive. Only you.

Even when everybody told me to stop talking about you because they have become exhausted in my stead.

Even when I've always known that your life without me is just the same as your life with me in it. But I would like to see the abhorrence in your eyes as I whisper all the unspeakable things I do to you inside my mind. Maybe that would wake me up from my trance. Sometimes it feels like I had waited for you all my life. But maybe I shouldn't have waited for you at all. I never should have held on to you just because I don't want to feel death once more.

So I vowed myself to keep you at a distance. Maybe then, the wishful thinking would eventually stop. But when will it ever end? The end of the tunnel was nowhere in sight. That made me wish it never started at the first place.