It's Always Been You

Sarah

I remember my life before last night. It was alright. Not like many people's, but I had a routine. I like routines. They make sense. They don't change. Like my life before last night. 

I live in a tiny apartment on the corner of a big hill. It is just barely big enough room to hold my mom and I. Except my mom never really lived here. I kinda just live alone. 

I would occasionally see my mom on Friday nights. Late on Friday nights. On Friday night, she would come home, drunk, and say stupid things like, "I like cheese." It would anger me so much when I was younger, but I have grown to live with it. Then she would throw up all over our carpet, retching for minutes, and collapse on our century old couch and fall asleep. 

Every other night, she wouldn't come home. I'm not sure where she goes. All I do know is that she's probably getting knocked up by other guys. Once, when she was really drunk, she wandered the streets and came inside naked. 

I've never had a father. The only reason I was born was because I was a mistake. My mom hooked up with some guy at a bar for three hours. After she found out she was pregnant, she could never go through with abortion, so she just kept me. 

It always feels weird to think about how I was a mistake. Maybe Mom wonders how she should have gone through with abortion. That I was a failure. A complete and utter mistake. 

I work a job at the closest market, and buy myself food and clothes. Mom gives me money occasionally, but she doesn't have a job, so I'm not sure where she gets the money. I don't want to know. I always wait for the day when she never comes back to the apartment. I'm always waiting. 

I've never really been great in school. I get okay grades, with an average of a C+, but I never pay attention. I always have ideas swirling around in my head, and they consume my thoughts. The only reason I pass is because my best friend Celia gives me the answers. The teachers haven't exactly found it out yet. But if they ever found out, it would be nowhere as bad as what happened last night. 

Everything changed. 

And one thing you must know about me is that I hate change. 

And I guess I am okay with living alone, with my mother hooking up with guys every single night, with almost failing in school. 

I guess I have learned to live with it. 

But I can't live with what happened last night. 

And I can't live with what my life has become.