UNSETTLED | B.E

(1) What Am I?

                              L E I L A N I

"Seriously, I have no idea what you're talking about." I sighed, chafing with both of my hands. "You should, she's your sister Leilani. If.."

"She's eighteen! I'm certain she is allowed to do as she pleases when it comes to relationships." It was an accidental shout, causing my mother to be silent for a short moment. "Louise is too young for sex, I've told you to keep an eye out on her, yes?" An eyebrow of the older women is front of me raises, her head slightly tilting. Avoiding her eye contact, I replied.

"If you're so concerned and knowing, mother... why don't you look out for her?" In a mumble, but vexed, I questioned. Though, I didn't let her answer before I let another sentence out before walking out of her house to leave. "This is all because of her being with a girl, right?" I chuckled, "you must learn to accept her sexual orientation or you will lose us both." I paused knowingly that she would overthink of my next choice of words.

"She will not be around you homophobic assholes, and you are goofy as hell to think I would." Finally gaining eye contact, her mouth opened a shut, aghast written all over her face. "You will never have the right knowledge of righteousness as you aren't good deed to yourself. I suppose you'll never learn though." We shared a look, emotions loudly seen in our eyes.

"As sweet as Louise is, she might be here for you." I did see some sort of comfort and relief in her eyes after that, "but for me... just stay out of my life." I ran out her house as quickly as possible, stumbling over everything that I couldn't exactly see as my eyes welled of tears.

"Lei, wait!" My mother shouted, but I got in my car and aggressively wiped the salty water under my eyes that newly fell, and drove off.

What I did say absolutely broke my heart, but it was for my own good. I was never close to perfect for my mother, she would embarrass me and humiliate me for everything. When I came out, as being lesbian, it got worse.

The nights of screaming and physical contact of fighting will never escape my head, therefore I will try my hardest to heal and be as explicit as can be. People get confused, hearing laughs and seeing smiles which determines happiness but that's not how it works, happiness doesn't go well for everyone and it never stays forever.

Others like me are so unlucky to feel no part of it but the desire.

I've grown tired of everyone, fucking everything.

Nothing seems to work for me, I don't want to die but I want to stay asleep forever and dream a wonderful dream that never ends.

That way, my heart will no longer have a hole.

___

Once I got home, I slammed my keys on the kitchen counter and sobbed. Falling to the floor as my body became heavy, and huddled my knees to my chest, my arms wrapped around them as I didn't hold it in anymore.

I let the tears flow like soft rain water falling from the clouds of the sky. And long enough, a pool formed near my head.

This happens oftentimes and it's the only time I tell myself that it's okay. I struggle with holding in my emotions like a bottle that can't be unsealed and feel totally broken when I let it all out.

Others say that crying is supposed to make you feel better but for me, for me, I just feel more sad.

Might as well call this depression, I question why I go through this and the bleakness I receive from people. It's mournful, it's defeating, it's degrading, and it's absolutely exhausting.

As much sleep as I get, never it seems to be enough. It's like sleep despises me and all I want is for it to be my friend. I feel insane.

All I really have in my life that care for me are my father, my sister, Louise... Margo who is my best friend, and Davin, another friend of mine. I'm surprised they haven't all left me yet, to be honest I don't really know what they actually think of me.

If I'm just a broken mess, a stupid girl who always seems to be crying, even over the little things. A girl who 'doesn't do anything' but sleep all day and sulk when she's awake, one who can't feel comfort around someone even if they're from heaven with the nicest personality.

What am I?

Who is Leilani and where exactly is her heart placed?

Is it in the depths of the deep blue sea, or more than six feet underground. Or am I simply dark hearted but not in a way that wants people to feel what I feel, but can't feel for myself. The everlasting happiness, is somewhere but... where? How do I find it?

Is happiness ever actually there though? Or do we just smile for a few moments until you grow tired and crawl into a dark cave, people don't laugh all the time, they don't smile all the time, but everyone is always overthinking and there's always a thought of being sad. What it's like to feel sad and then it actually digs deep in your veins and you fall into an almost impossible trap you can't escape.

Happiness isn't real, none of this is.

They say... the lord will come back to earth again and take all the good people who have faith.

If this is all a simulation, just a few days and nights of repeat then why do we do anything? Heaven is supposed to be comforting and loving, never empty with yourself but at peace.

Why do we go through this? Isn't it just leading us to be unfaithful? Will we all actually live up there and find that peace?

Or do we just die to roam the earth... again.

Is there actually peace?

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I changed it :)

Way better than it was before in my opinion, that second to last sentence really got me thinking though lmfao.

I hope you liked this one better if you were here to read the old part.

Please give ideas if you have any and if it is good enough then I will make it happen!!

I really hope I complete this shit. I have a problem with starting stories and never ending it, coming back to it and then just deleting it to redo it and do the same thing over again.

PLEASEE encourage me to not be a dumbass with this story.

LOVE YA.