The Tampon Poem

Vaginazilla

This poem is about how buying tampons for your daughter is terrifying but you do it because you love her.

I get it, you must be afraid of things with tails. Like hamsters, or tiny fucking kittens. Or perhaps you have a severe cotton allergy which means you are most likely always naked and cannot go outside to realise that half of the human population, including your MOTHER is being attacked monthly by this terrifying satan sponge!

Guess what!

You were right all along!

Vaginas aren't actually a sexual organ that can orgasm three times stronger than you can, and give birth to a gaggle of adorable babies.NO! Vaginas are actually DRAGONS!! Scaly, fire- breathing vaginazillas that feed off of tampons and boners and lesbians.

Thank goodness you're here to warn us, young white poet man, thank goodness you're here to write about something radical and progressive and liberating for all fathers to finally be able to express their fear, and confusion of the tampon isle. I agree, way to many bright threatening colours.

You probably already know the vaginas basic evolutionary functions,i.e peeing, bleeding, and Woody Allen impressions. However there is so much more danger! For example cramps are actually caused by tiny ovary nomes strangling the BALLS off your Fallopian tubes. Bears aren't attracted to menstrual blood, menstrual blood is attracted to BEARS!

The only way to protect your daughter is to lock her in a closet for five days like a bleeding Harry Potter!

Lord knows there is nothing more terrifying than periods, than natural bodily functions. It's hard enough, that everything on this planet teaches women to hate themselves , to feel ashamed before feeling beautiful, and you are disgusted by the one thing your daughters body does that yours doesn't .

I know, tampons do look like tiny bullets. Just more amo for the vaginazillas!!I know, they expand in water not unlike an infection or a tiny deadly jellyfish ! I know , it's hard to understand how they don't just fall out or get lost in the dark vulva cavern.

But your daughter is bleeding to death! You must go young white poet man, go! Where many others have been and gone before because it's just fucking tampons you dramatic bastard!