to: park
hey sorry i couldnt hang out today
to: carrie
dont worry about it :) when are you leaving again?
to: park
tomorrow
to: carrie
oh. thats really soon.
to: park
ik it sucks :(((
to: carrie
when will you be back?
to: park
end of july i believe
to: park
can you call me?
to: carrie
yeah.
i sat up, criss cross apple sauce on my bed. my heart jumped up and down in my chest, my eyes locked on the phone. one the first ring i answered.
"hello?"
"hi park." i said in a small whisper.
"hi carrie." he replied in a whisper.
"how are you?"
"im fine now that im talking to you, how are you?"
"im alright."
"carrie?"
"hmm?"
"why are we whispering?"
i giggled. well i wouldnt call it a giggle. id call it a small laugh but whatever.
"i dont know park." i said normally.
"neither do i. i like it though."
"i miss you." i said.
"i know." he replied.
the line went silent for a minute.
"i miss you too." he finally said,"like a lot."
"i havent even left yet."
"i know. but i havent seen you in a couple days and i miss you."
"park?" i asked.
"yeah?"
"please dont love me."
"why not?"
"because."
"carrie," he chuckled,"thats not a good answer and besides thats not going to keep me from loving you."
"i dont care. just please dont."
i hung up on park after that. he tried calling me three times but then gave up. i was hoping hed try a fourth time but it never came.
--
it was 4am and i couldnt sleep. the only thing going through my mind was park. zach had texted me today twice. once at 3pm and 4am. no surprise. he does that every two months or so to let me know he "misses" me. its complete and utter bullshit he just doesnt want me to move on. a huge part of me did move on but whenever he texts me, a small sliver goes back to him. i guess i loved him. but i dont anymore. i wouldnt do that to park. but i know park isnt awake at this time. i went to zach's contact name and hit the call button, praying he'd pick up. to my surprise, he did.
"hi." i said into the receiver.
"carrie what the actual fuck its 4am what are you doing awake?"
"cant sleep. im not feeling ok."
he was silent,"im sorry. i wasnt meaning to be mean."
"its okay."
"are you okay?"
"eh."
"do you want me to pick you up?"
"no its okay can we just talk?"
"yeah, sure."
i peeled off my blankets, sweat dewing on my skin.
"so," i said,"why are you up zach?"
"do you want the truth or a lie?"
"dumb question. the truth."
he gave a faint chuckle,"i was thinking about you."
i smiled,"bullshit."
"no seriously."
"my ass."
"i miss your fine ass."
"shut up zach."
i can imagine him smiling in his room, his left hand running through his hair, his right holding up his phone to his ear.
"youre leaving tomorrow, well today, arent you?" he asked.
"yep. two hours away actually."
"you dont want to leave, dont you?"
i bit down on my lip,"i dont know."
"i miss you."
"i know."
zach chuckled again,"carrie, youre a work of art. are you even attached to anyone?"
"probably not." i responded.
"why are you like this?"
"like what?"
"i dont know. you make me think you care and then you leave. you always leave. why do you leave?"
"i guess im just afraid of staying. i think i get sick of the scenery and want to see a new one."
he was silent. for a long time. at first i thought he had fallen asleep because his breathing became heavy.
"did you get sick of me. is that why you left?"
"i didnt leave you." i spat.
it probably sounded mean but it was true.
"yes you did. you moved."
"i didnt break up with you zach. i moved because i had to. i cant control that. but you can control breaking up with someone."
"you didnt text me."
"why would i want to text someone who broke my heart in one text?"
he was silent again.
"i broke your heart?" he quietly said.
i took a deep breath and ignored him,"you didnt even call. you sent me a text. a fucking text zach. imagine how that felt?"
"we never saw each other." he said loudly into the receiver.
"we saw each other." i said,"maybe not as much as you wanted but we saw each other."
"ive been in love with you for a year." zach yelled.
"stop."
"i love you."
"no you dont, stop this zach."
"i love you,"he yelled,"but you dont want me to love you, is that it?"
"i dont love you."
"no surprise there. youre an emotionless bitch."
"stop it zach im going to hang up on you."
"you love him, dont you?"
"love who?"
"park." he growled,"park richards that little bitch."
"dont talk about him like that." i interjected.
"oh shut up carrie."
"what the hell is wrong with you zach? people move on dont you get that?"
"but i love you?"
"you left."
"you left too."
"moving away isnt leaving. and besides we were over before i moved."
"that doesnt mean i stopped loving you."
"thats why you were chasing after that hippie wanna-be." i sneered,"because thats love."
"dont talk about mandy that way."
"i can talk about her any way i want if youre gonna talk about park like hes some rodent."
"youre a bitch, carrie."
"i know." i yelled, tears running down my cheeks,"im the meanest fucking bitch youll ever meet."
"fuck you." his voice cracked.
"no, fuck you."
we were silent. i wanted to hang up and i know he wanted to but neither of us could make ourselves do it. so here i was, sitting in the dark on the phone with my ex boyfriend crying. i couldnt stop crying. my hand pressed up against my mouth, trying to muffle the sound of my sobs; my eyes clenched together, attempting to make the tears stop.
"carrie," zach finally said,"please love me."
"im sorry zach but i cant love anyone."
"well why not?" he sniffled.
"because i break hearts."
"i noticed."
"im sorry."
"im sorry too, baby girl."
"please come over. please hug me."
"i want to. trust me i want to. but i cant."
"why?"
"because im going to miss you even more when you leave if i touch you."
i smiled and wiped my cheek with the back of my hand.
"im sorry that you love me." i said quietly.
"im sorry that you hate me." zach laughed.
"i dont hate you. i could never hate you."
"but you dont love me."
"zach enough with this love shit. its too tiring."
"okay."
i took a deep breath and laid my head down on my pillow,"can we fall asleep on the phone?"
"yeah."
"night zach."
"night carrie."
--
WOOOOOOOOOO CARRIE AND ZACH
OR
CARRIE AND PARK
THOUGHTS LADIES AND GENTLEMEN???
