Goodbyes

If I knew, I wouldn't have stayed

The beautiful sunlight, the vivid colors and the dreams that filled my days. The warm handful of love that embraced my life granted me a new purpose. I wished to be seen and cared for, but I also wished to feel pain and torment. There were nights where dreams filled me with joy and passion and nightmares that left me trapped and lost. Still, the day never disappointed me because I was loved and surrounded by hope. I was brimming with energy and happiness. Suddenly everything felt normal and I was rescued. The sparks lit up my path, carved out a future and entrusted me with a mission : the mission to learn the ways of love. I stumbled countless times and even scratched myself. But I was set on my goal, never letting obstacles crowd my mind. I couldn't leave that place, the serenity and the bright shimmering rays of hope were the only things holding on to me.

I relentlessly chased something I could never get. I was hurt whenever things would not go as planned which sunk me deeper into a void. A void I created by holding on too tightly on those "highs" that it stretched out entirely leaving me on the brim of a place I no longer recognized. I called out for help, but every call transformed into smiles and laughter.

He was my only string of light. I tirelessly pulled it, absorbed it, used it, and exhausted it to the extent where it could no longer be held.
What? Why wasn't it working anymore? I pulled...I tried! I gave you everything! Let me hold you again!
I didn't realize it before but maybe I was using him to explain the purpose of my life. Perhaps I tried so hard to go back to that sunny paradise that the paradise closed its gates to me.
But why? Why wouldn't you open the door? OPEN THE DOOR.
I collapsed on the floor, looking down I saw scattered glass around me. Each had a different reflection, some were my past self in the darkest times others were the dreams and happiness I've experienced. All I knew was that everywhere I looked, I wasn't finding that silver thread anymore. As I searched for it I stepped on the glass, making it break into more pieces. I tried to resist, cutting my feet slowly as I walked and continued forward.

Months turn into a year and I've mastered the skill of walking on shards of glass. I knew it was a painful experience but I kept running towards an opening.
Its disappeared again.. Why won't you give me an answer? Why does it keep vanishing every time I step closer to it?
These doors, the openings, and the white lights won't let me see what's behind them. I ran after those sparks each time hoping they would guide me but they dimmed each time I got close.
Have they decided to lock me in again? Did I do something wrong? Was my pursuit for happiness too much to ask for? Have all my efforts to find hope been meaningless? Did you give me hope just to take it away from me later? Answer me. Stop running away from me, my heart hasn't recovered from the needles you pinned on me.
I stitched my own heart with the leftover happiness that I've stored in my memory. I've used up all my energy trying to restore myself that I started to forget why I was doing it in the first place.

Crawling towards an entrance, I fell down trying to reach for it. However this time was different. There were no reflections nor doors keeping me trapped. I was vulnerable and left with scars, I couldn't stand on my own but at least I was free. I'm not sure "free" is the right word because I didn't gain a sense of freedom. I simply felt that I no longer had to make any efforts to reach for a light that refused to shine. However that tingling sensation of being lost and confused marked me for a long time. I continued my search for something that could cure me. I ended up curing others instead. I don't regret it, they needed it too because I cared about helping others. I mend his heart, I stitch hers, I tend to her wounds and I try to swallow my empty vessel. It's alright, I'll find happiness again. I'll understand the meaning of life and I won't make the same mistakes again.
Did you find that answer then? Can you feel the torment of searching over and over again for a place to fill your heart? Didn't you feel any remorse for leaving all the sparks and hopes that you so tirelessly clung onto? Or was it because you didn't try hard enough? Did you even love? Were the feelings just a replacement for a space to fill? Has that space even been filled now?
It was never filled enough. I wanted more to fill my desires. Love was not enough. It sank my consciousness, poisoned my heart and left me craving for more. I suffered from lack of love every time I needed a place to fill my worries. You weren't there. Love wasn't curing me, it was killing me.
Is it my fault if I feel emotions too strongly and can't control them because I'm afraid of feeling lonely? Didn't you leave me to handle these feelings alone while you dealt with yours? Why wasn't I your primary source of happiness ? I relied my entire happiness on you! And all you gave back was an excuse of having no time because there were other obstacles to deal with. Of course I could never understand that. But I did.
I dealt with myself, remained cheerful and optimistic. I extended my help to those who struggled even if they wouldn't consider it a blessing. I endured the immense torment of people using me as their manipulative tool each time they needed something, and most importantly I battled with my scars hoping for a future that you were involved in. And never once had I thought of leaving.

It no longer matters, we weren't meant to be not even in the countless multiverses. What matters most is that I've survived with an empty heart that you so long cared for. Now that I think about it, I feel a sense of regret for having given myself too much freedom. The Freedom to love.