Montreal S'il Vous Plait

Day One: Anxious Traveler

I can’t believe I actually got on a plane and just freaking did it. I always dreamt of traveling outside of the country, but after the hellish year of 2020, I didn’t believe I was even going to see 2022.

I never thought in a million years that I’d be able to move past my social anxiety and actually get out and travel alone. I guess I didn’t quite believe that anything fun or interesting would find its way to me.

My whole life I’ve lived life thinking that I can’t because that is what I was told. I still struggle with believing in who I am and in myself because my family was my biggest and most brutal critic.

⁶I didn’t think I was worthy of anything good, so I stayed away from good and often struggle with bathing in self pity, and words that have been said to me.

However, one day I realized there is no way that I am going to let the people who don’t care enough to love me unconditionally determine my happiness in life.

It's easier said than done, but I’ve been doing several years of soul searching, therapy, and finding out who I really am. I still have a hell of a long way to go, but change takes time.

One of my ways of healing is to read self-help books. I read two books with the expletive fuck mentioned in them.

These two books are very straightforward and blunt, and it’s what I needed to hear. What stood out to me about the two is the fact that they both speak on how life is too short, don’t die wishing you had done the thing, and only focus on what is important.

Anyhow, boarding the flight practically sent me into a panic attack. I debated going back so many times. The anxiety kicked in, what if this or what if that. It didn’t help having family freaking me out as well.

I’m overweight so I also worried about having to pay extra for a second seat luckily so far none of that has happened. The flight was alright, but carrying my huge ass carry on was a hassle.

The flight attendants were beyond helpful and fun. The seats however were so fucking uncomfortable. I was sitting next to two other people which made it even worse. I had connecting flights on the way up to Montreal, Québec and I remember thinking how traveling is just not for me.

That was my mindset until we landed. When I stepped foot into the Montreal Airport any reservations that I had left. Everyone here or mostly everyone speaks French as their first language and it was so delightful to hear. I noticed that no one was looking over at me, I thought because of my race the entire building would stare, but no. It was like I didn’t exist to any of them and I loved it.

However when I did come into contact with the natives I felt welcomed and like I knew them my entire life.

I got really excited at one point because when I was passing the officer there that was checking our passports he let me pass and told the other American to go to customs to check his vaccination records. I thought to myself, “Wow he totally thinks I’m a native.” I was beyond the moon.

As I walked out of the building after being screened, I waited for my Uber driver. .I got in the car and the first thing I noticed was that the driver was fine as hell. I wanted him to ask for my number and even thought about inviting him up to my Air BnB.

The second thing I noticed as we were driving was that every car looked dirty. And like it hadn’t been washed in years . I later found out it was because of the winter storm.

Also because of toxins getting into their water supply through drainage they aren’t allowed to wash cars at home.

I noticed that almost every building we had passed on my way to the air bnb was covered in graffiti and construction was  on nearly every corner. I thought it was one of those social media vs reality cities.

I arrived at my air bnb and decided to sleep as I had had no sleep during the 10 hour flight. It was rest day for me. I ordered some food and had tasted the famous poutine dish. The fries were crunchy, the sauce was flavorful and the cheese very fresh. I didn’t finish most of it because the pasta that I had ordered took precedence.

That night I was just so happy that I
made it, I was so happy to be in another country for once. I fell asleep after having so much food, but the next day was going to blow me away, I just knew it.